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    Chapter XVI

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    All men have heard of the Mormon Bible, but few except the "elect" have
    seen it, or, at least, taken the trouble to read it. I brought away a
    copy from Salt Lake. The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a
    pretentious affair, and yet so "slow," so sleepy; such an insipid mess of
    inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this
    book, the act was a miracle--keeping awake while he did it was, at any
    rate. If he, according to tradition, merely translated it from certain
    ancient and mysteriously-engraved plates of copper, which he declares he
    found under a stone, in an out-of-the-way locality, the work of
    translating was equally a miracle, for the same reason.

    The book seems to be merely a prosy detail of imaginary history, with the
    Old Testament for a model; followed by a tedious plagiarism of the New
    Testament. The author labored to give his words and phrases the quaint,
    old-fashioned sound and structure of our King James's translation of the
    Scriptures; and the result is a mongrel--half modern glibness, and half
    ancient simplicity and gravity. The latter is awkward and constrained;
    the former natural, but grotesque by the contrast. Whenever he found his
    speech growing too modern--which was about every sentence or two--he
    ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came
    to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to
    pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been
    only a pamphlet.

    The title-page reads as follows:


    Wherefore it is an abridgment of the record of the people of Nephi,
    and also of the Lamanites; written to the Lamanites, who are a
    remnant of the House of Israel; and also to Jew and Gentile; written
    by way of commandment, and also by the spirit of prophecy and of
    revelation. Written and sealed up, and hid up unto the Lord, that
    they might not be destroyed; to come forth by the gift and power of
    God unto the interpretation thereof; sealed by the hand of Moroni,
    and hid up unto the Lord, to come forth in due time by the way of
    Gentile; the interpretation thereof by the gift of God. An
    abridgment taken from the Book of Ether also; which is a record of
    the people of Jared; who were scattered at the time the Lord
    confounded the language of the people when they were building a
    tower to get to Heaven.

    "Hid up" is good. And so is "wherefore"--though why "wherefore"? Any
    other word would have answered as well--though--in truth it would not
    have sounded so Scriptural.

    Next comes:

    Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people unto
    whom this work shall come, that we, through the grace of God the
    Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, have seen the plates which
    contain this record, which is a record of the people of Nephi, and
    also of the Lamanites, their brethren, and also of the people of
    Jared, who came from the tower of which hath been spoken; and we
    also know that they have been translated by the gift and power of
    God, for His voice hath declared it unto us; wherefore we know of a
    surety that the work is true. And we also testify that we have seen
    the engravings which are upon the plates; and they have been shown
    unto us by the power of God, and not of man. And we declare with
    words of soberness, that an angel of God came down from heaven, and
    he brought and laid before our eyes, that we beheld and saw the
    plates, and the engravings thereon; and we know that it is by the
    grace of God the Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, that we beheld
    and bear record that these things are true; and it is marvellous in
    our eyes; nevertheless the voice of the Lord commanded us that we
    should bear record of it; wherefore, to be obedient unto the
    commandments of God, we bear testimony of these things. And we know
    that if we are faithful in Christ, we shall rid our garments of the
    blood of all men, and be found spotless before the judgment-seat of
    Christ, and shall dwell with Him eternally in the heavens. And the
    honor be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost, which
    is one God. Amen.

    Some people have to have a world of evidence before they can come
    anywhere in the neighborhood of believing anything; but for me, when a
    man tells me that he has "seen the engravings which are upon the plates,"
    and not only that, but an angel was there at the time, and saw him see
    them, and probably took his receipt for it, I am very far on the road to
    conviction, no matter whether I ever heard of that man before or not, and
    even if I do not know the name of the angel, or his nationality either.

    Next is this:

    Be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people unto
    whom this work shall come, that Joseph Smith, Jr., the translator of
    this work, has shown unto us the plates of which hath been spoken,
    which have the appearance of gold; and as many of the leaves as the
    said Smith has translated, we did handle with our hands; and we also
    saw the engravings thereon, all of which has the appearance of
    ancient work, and of curious workmanship. And this we bear record
    with words of soberness, that the said Smith has shown unto us, for
    we have seen and hefted, and know of a surety that the said Smith
    has got the plates of which we have spoken. And we give our names
    unto the world, to witness unto the world that which we have seen;
    and we lie not, God bearing witness of it.

    And when I am far on the road to conviction, and eight men, be they
    grammatical or otherwise, come forward and tell me that they have seen
    the plates too; and not only seen those plates but "hefted" them, I am
    convinced. I could not feel more satisfied and at rest if the entire
    Whitmer family had testified.

    The Mormon Bible consists of fifteen "books"--being the books of Jacob,
    Enos, Jarom, Omni, Mosiah, Zeniff, Alma, Helaman, Ether, Moroni, two
    "books" of Mormon, and three of Nephi.

    In the first book of Nephi is a plagiarism of the Old Testament, which
    gives an account of the exodus from Jerusalem of the "children of Lehi";
    and it goes on to tell of their wanderings in the wilderness, during
    eight years, and their supernatural protection by one of their number, a
    party by the name of Nephi. They finally reached the land of
    "Bountiful," and camped by the sea. After they had remained there "for
    the space of many days"--which is more Scriptural than definite--Nephi
    was commanded from on high to build a ship wherein to "carry the people
    across the waters." He travestied Noah's ark--but he obeyed orders in
    the matter of the plan. He finished the ship in a single day, while his
    brethren stood by and made fun of it--and of him, too--"saying, our
    brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship." They did
    not wait for the timbers to dry, but the whole tribe or nation sailed the
    next day. Then a bit of genuine nature cropped out, and is revealed by
    outspoken Nephi with Scriptural frankness--they all got on a spree!
    They, "and also their wives, began to make themselves merry, insomuch
    that they began to dance, and to sing, and to speak with much rudeness;
    yea, they were lifted up unto exceeding rudeness."

    Nephi tried to stop these scandalous proceedings; but they tied him neck
    and heels, and went on with their lark. But observe how Nephi the
    prophet circumvented them by the aid of the invisible powers:

    And it came to pass that after they had bound me, insomuch that I
    could not move, the compass, which had been prepared of the Lord,
    did cease to work; wherefore, they knew not whither they should
    steer the ship, insomuch that there arose a great storm, yea, a
    great and terrible tempest, and we were driven back upon the waters
    for the space of three days; and they began to be frightened
    exceedingly, lest they should be drowned in the sea; nevertheless
    they did not loose me. And on the fourth day, which we had been
    driven back, the tempest began to be exceeding sore. And it came to
    pass that we were about to be swallowed up in the depths of the sea.

    Then they untied him.

    And it came to pass after they had loosed me, behold, I took the
    compass, and it did work whither I desired it. And it came to pass
    that I prayed unto the Lord; and after I had prayed, the winds did
    cease, and the storm did cease, and there was a great calm.

    Equipped with their compass, these ancients appear to have had the
    advantage of Noah.

    Their voyage was toward a "promised land"--the only name they give it.
    They reached it in safety.

    Polygamy is a recent feature in the Mormon religion, and was added by
    Brigham Young after Joseph Smith's death. Before that, it was regarded
    as an "abomination." This verse from the Mormon Bible occurs in Chapter
    II. of the book of Jacob:

    For behold, thus saith the Lord, this people begin to wax in
    iniquity; they understand not the Scriptures; for they seek to
    excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things
    which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son. Behold,
    David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing
    was abominable before me, saith the Lord; wherefore, thus saith the
    Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by
    the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous
    branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph. Wherefore, I the Lord
    God, will no suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old.

    However, the project failed--or at least the modern Mormon end of it--for
    Brigham "suffers" it. This verse is from the same chapter:

    Behold, the Lamanites your brethren, whom ye hate, because of their
    filthiness and the cursings which hath come upon their skins, are
    more righteous than you; for they have not forgotten the commandment
    of the Lord, which was given unto our fathers, that they should
    have, save it were one wife; and concubines they should have none.

    The following verse (from Chapter IX. of the Book of Nephi) appears to
    contain information not familiar to everybody:

    And now it came to pass that when Jesus had ascended into heaven,
    the multitude did disperse, and every man did take his wife and his
    children, and did return to his own home.

    And it came to pass that on the morrow, when the multitude was
    gathered together, behold, Nephi and his brother whom he had raised
    from the dead, whose name was Timothy, and also his son, whose name
    was Jonas, and also Mathoni, and Mathonihah, his brother, and Kumen,
    and Kumenenhi, and Jeremiah, and Shemnon, and Jonas, and Zedekiah,
    and Isaiah; now these were the names of the disciples whom Jesus had

    In order that the reader may observe how much more grandeur and
    picturesqueness (as seen by these Mormon twelve) accompanied on of the
    tenderest episodes in the life of our Saviour than other eyes seem to
    have been aware of, I quote the following from the same "book"--Nephi:

    And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.
    And they arose from the earth, and He said unto them, Blessed are ye
    because of your faith. And now behold, My joy is full. And when He
    had said these words, He wept, and the multitude bear record of it,
    and He took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and
    prayed unto the Father for them. And when He had done this He wept
    again, and He spake unto the multitude, and saith unto them, Behold
    your little ones. And as they looked to behold, they cast their
    eyes toward heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw
    angels descending out of heaven as it were, in the midst of fire;
    and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they
    were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto
    them, and the multitude did see and hear and bear record; and they
    know that their record is true, for they all of them did see and
    hear, every man for himself; and they were in number about two
    thousand and five hundred souls; and they did consist of men, women,
    and children.

    And what else would they be likely to consist of?

    The Book of Ether is an incomprehensible medley of if "history," much of
    it relating to battles and sieges among peoples whom the reader has
    possibly never heard of; and who inhabited a country which is not set
    down in the geography. These was a King with the remarkable name of
    Coriantumr,^^ and he warred with Shared, and Lib, and Shiz, and others,
    in the "plains of Heshlon"; and the "valley of Gilgal"; and the
    "wilderness of Akish"; and the "land of Moran"; and the "plains of
    Agosh"; and "Ogath," and "Ramah," and the "land of Corihor," and the
    "hill Comnor," by "the waters of Ripliancum," etc., etc., etc. "And it
    came to pass," after a deal of fighting, that Coriantumr, upon making
    calculation of his losses, found that "there had been slain two millions
    of mighty men, and also their wives and their children"--say 5,000,000 or
    6,000,000 in all--"and he began to sorrow in his heart." Unquestionably
    it was time. So he wrote to Shiz, asking a cessation of hostilities, and
    offering to give up his kingdom to save his people. Shiz declined,
    except upon condition that Coriantumr would come and let him cut his head
    off first--a thing which Coriantumr would not do. Then there was more
    fighting for a season; then four years were devoted to gathering the
    forces for a final struggle--after which ensued a battle, which, I take
    it, is the most remarkable set forth in history,--except, perhaps, that
    of the Kilkenny cats, which it resembles in some respects. This is the
    account of the gathering and the battle:

    7. And it came to pass that they did gather together all the
    people, upon all the face of the land, who had not been slain, save
    it was Ether. And it came to pass that Ether did behold all the
    doings of the people; and he beheld that the people who were for
    Coriantumr, were gathered together to the army of Coriantumr; and
    the people who were for Shiz, were gathered together to the army of
    Shiz; wherefore they were for the space of four years gathering
    together the people, that they might get all who were upon the face
    of the land, and that they might receive all the strength which it
    was possible that they could receive. And it came to pass that when
    they were all gathered together, every one to the army which he
    would, with their wives and their children; both men, women, and
    children being armed with weapons of war, having shields, and
    breast-plates, and head-plates, and being clothed after the manner
    of war, they did march forth one against another, to battle; and
    they fought all that day, and conquered not. And it came to pass
    that when it was night they were weary, and retired to their camps;
    and after they had retired to their camps, they took up a howling
    and a lamentation for the loss of the slain of their people; and so
    great were their cries, their howlings and lamentations, that it did
    rend the air exceedingly. And it came to pass that on the morrow
    they did go again to battle, and great and terrible was that day;
    nevertheless they conquered not, and when the night came again, they
    did rend the air with their cries, and their howlings, and their
    mournings, for the loss of the slain of their people.

    8. And it came to pass that Coriantumr wrote again an epistle unto
    Shiz, desiring that he would not come again to battle, but that he
    would take the kingdom, and spare the lives of the people. But
    behold, the Spirit of the Lord had ceased striving with them, and
    Satan had full power over the hearts of the people, for they were
    given up unto the hardness of their hearts, and the blindness of
    their minds that they might be destroyed; wherefore they went again
    to battle. And it came to pass that they fought all that day, and
    when the night came they slept upon their swords; and on the morrow
    they fought even until the night came; and when the night came they
    were drunken with anger, even as a man who is drunken with wine; and
    they slept again upon their swords; and on the morrow they fought
    again; and when the night came they had all fallen by the sword save
    it were fifty and two of the people of Coriantumr, and sixty and
    nine of the people of Shiz. And it came to pass that they slept
    upon their swords that night, and on the morrow they fought again,
    and they contended in their mights with their swords, and with their
    shields, all that day; and when the night came there were thirty and
    two of the people of Shiz, and twenty and seven of the people of

    9. And it came to pass that they ate and slept, and prepared for
    death on the morrow. And they were large and mighty men, as to the
    strength of men. And it came to pass that they fought for the space
    of three hours, and they fainted with the loss of blood. And it
    came to pass that when the men of Coriantumr had received sufficient
    strength, that they could walk, they were about to flee for their
    lives, but behold, Shiz arose, and also his men, and he swore in his
    wrath that he would slay Coriantumr, or he would perish by the
    sword: wherefore he did pursue them, and on the morrow he did
    overtake them; and they fought again with the sword. And it came to
    pass that when they had all fallen by the sword, save it were
    Coriantumr and Shiz, behold Shiz had fainted with loss of blood.
    And it came to pass that when Coriantumr had leaned upon his sword,
    that he rested a little, he smote off the head of Shiz. And it came
    to pass that after he had smote off the head of Shiz, that Shiz
    raised upon his hands and fell; and after that he had struggled for
    breath, he died. And it came to pass that Coriantumr fell to the
    earth, and became as if he had no life. And the Lord spake unto
    Ether, and said unto him, go forth. And he went forth, and beheld
    that the words of the Lord had all been fulfilled; and he finished
    his record; and the hundredth part I have not written.

    It seems a pity he did not finish, for after all his dreary former
    chapters of commonplace, he stopped just as he was in danger of becoming

    The Mormon Bible is rather stupid and tiresome to read, but there is
    nothing vicious in its teachings. Its code of morals is unobjectionable-
    -it is "smouched" [Milton] from the New Testament and no credit given.
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