Chapter 9

Breakfast was very nearly over, and it was of such exceptionally good
quality that very few remarks had been made. Finally the ball was set
rolling by the Lawyer.

"How many packs of cigarettes do you smoke a day?" he asked, as the Idiot
took one from his pocket and placed it at the side of his coffee-cup.

"Never more than forty-six," said the Idiot. "Why? Do you think of
starting a cigarette stand?"

"Not at all," said Mr. Brief. "I was only wondering what chance you had
to live to maturity, that's all. Your maturity period will be in about
eight hundred and sixty years from now, the way I calculate, and it
seemed to me that, judging from the number of cigarettes you smoke, you
were not likely to last through more than two or three of those years."

"Oh, I expect to live longer than that," said the Idiot. "I think I'm
good for at least four years. Don't you, Doctor?"

"I decline to have anything to say about your case," retorted the Doctor,
whose feeling towards the Idiot was not surpassingly affectionate.

"In that event I shall probably live five years more," said the Idiot.

The Doctor's lip curled, but he remained silent.

"You'll live," put in Mr. Pedagog, with a chuckle. "The good die young."

"How did you happen to keep alive all this time then, Mr. Pedagog?" asked
the Idiot.

"I have always eschewed tobacco in every form, for one thing," said Mr.
Pedagog.

"I am surprised," put in the Idiot. "That's really a bad habit, and I
marvel greatly that you should have done it."

The School-Master frowned, and looked at the Idiot over the rims of his
glasses, as was his wont when he was intent upon getting explanations.

"Done what?" he asked, severely.

"Chewed tobacco," replied the Idiot. "You just said that one of the
things that has kept you lingering in this vale of tears was that you
have always chewed tobacco. I never did that, and I never shall do it,
because I deem it a detestable diversion."

"I didn't say anything of the sort," retorted Mr. Pedagog, getting red in
the face. "I never said that I chewed tobacco in any form."

"Oh, come!" said the Idiot, with well-feigned impatience, "what's the use
of talking that way? We all heard what you said, and I have no doubt that
it came as a shock to every member of this assemblage. It certainly was a
shock to me, because, with all my weaknesses and bad habits, I think
tobacco-chewing unutterably bad. The worst part of it is that you chew it
in every form. A man who chews chewing-tobacco