Act I - Page 2

the qualities of a
restrained fanatic. He is one of the Christian Socialist sort and
takes his priesthood seriously. He is an honest man, and not an
ass._

[_To him enters_ MR. HASTINGS _with papers in his hand._

HASTINGS. Oh, good evening. You are Mr. Smith. [_Pause._] I mean you are
the Rector, I think.

SMITH. I am the Rector.

HASTINGS. I am the Duke's secretary. His Grace asks me to say that he
hopes to see you very soon; but he is engaged just now with the Doctor.

SMITH. Is the Duke ill?

HASTINGS. [_Laughing._] Oh, no; the Doctor has come to ask him to help
some cause or other. The Duke is never ill.

SMITH. Is the Doctor with him now?

HASTINGS. Why, strictly speaking, he is not. The Doctor has gone over
the road to fetch a paper connected with his proposal. But he hasn't far
to go, as you can see. That's his red lamp at the end of his grounds.

SMITH. Yes, I know. I am much obliged to you. I will wait as long as is
necessary.

HASTINGS. [_Cheerfully._] Oh, it won't be very long.

[_Exit._

[_Enter by the garden doors_ DR. GRIMTHORPE _reading an open paper.
He is an old-fashioned practitioner, very much of a gentleman and
very carefully dressed in a slightly antiquated style. He is about
sixty years old and might have been a friend of Huxley's._

DOCTOR. [_Folding up the paper._] I beg your pardon, sir, I did not
notice there was anyone here.

SMITH. [_Amicably._] I beg yours. A new clergyman cannot expect to be
expected. I only came to see the Duke about some local affairs.

DOCTOR. [_Smiling._] And so, oddly enough, did I. But I suppose we
should both like to get hold of him by a separate ear.

SMITH. Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm concerned. I've joined this
league for starting a model public-house in the parish; and in plain
words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription to it.

DOCTOR. [_Grimly._] And, as it happens, I have joined in the petition
against the erection of a model public-house in this parish. The
similarity of our position grows with every instant.

SMITH. Yes, I think we must have been twins.

DOCTOR. [_More good-humouredly._] Well, what is a model public-house? Do
you mean a toy?

SMITH. I mean a place where Englishmen can get decent drink and drink it
decently. Do you call that a toy?

DOCTOR. No; I should call that a conjuring trick. Or, in apology to your
cloth, I will say a miracle.

SMITH. I accept the apology to my cloth. I am doing my duty as a priest.
How can the Church have a right to make men fast if she does not allow
them to feast?

DOCTOR. [_Bitterly._] And when you have done feasting them, you will
send them to me