Act II - Page 2

Killed a policeman? How Vegetarian! Well, I suppose it was, so
long as they didn't eat him.

HASTINGS. They are asking only for small subscriptions. Indeed, they
prefer to collect a large number of half-crowns, to prove the popularity
of their movement. But I should advise....

DUKE. Oh, give them three shillings, then.

HASTINGS. If I might suggest....

DUKE. Hang it all! We gave the Anti-Vegetarians three shillings. It
seems only fair.

HASTINGS. If I might suggest anything, I think your Grace will be wise
not to subscribe in this case. The Anti-Vegetarians have already used
their funds to form gangs ostensibly to protect their own meetings. And
if the Vegetarians use theirs to break up the meetings--well, it will
look rather funny that we have paid roughs on both sides. It will be
rather difficult to explain when it comes before the magistrate.

DUKE. But I shall be the magistrate. [CONJURER _stares at him again._]
That's the system, my dear Hastings, that's the advantage of the system.
Not a logical system--no Rousseau in it--but see how well it works! I
shall be the very best magistrate that could be on the Bench. The others
would be biassed, you know. Old Sir Lawrence is a Vegetarian himself;
and might be hard on the Anti-Vegetarian roughs. Colonel Crashaw would
be sure to be hard on the Vegetarian roughs. But if I've paid both of
'em, of course I shan't be hard on either of 'em--and there you have it.
Just perfect impartiality.

HASTINGS. [_Restrainedly._] Shall I take the programmes, your Grace?

DUKE. [_Heartily._] No, no; I won't forget 'em. [_Exit_ HASTINGS.] Well,
Professor, what's the news in the conjuring world?

CONJURER. I fear there is never any news in the conjuring world.

DUKE. Don't you have a newspaper or something? Everybody has a newspaper
now, you know. The--er--Daily Sword-Swallower or that sort of thing?

CONJURER. No, I have been a journalist myself; but I think journalism
and conjuring will always be incompatible.

DUKE. Incompatible--Oh, but that's where I differ--that's where I take
larger views! Larger laws, as old Buffle said. Nothing's _incompatible_,
you know--except husband and wife and so on; you must talk to Morris
about that. It's wonderful the way incompatibility has gone forward in
the States.

CONJURER. I only mean that the two trades rest on opposite principles.
The whole point of being a conjurer is that you won't explain a thing
that has happened.

DUKE. Well, and the journalist?

CONJURER. Well, the whole point of being a journalist is that you do
explain a thing that hasn't happened.

DUKE. But you'll want somewhere to discuss the new tricks.

CONJURER. There are no new tricks.