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    Threatening Letter

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    Chapter 2
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    THREATENING LETTER
    TO THOMAS HOOD
    FROM AN ANCIENT GENTLEMAN

    MR. HOOD. SIR,--The Constitution is going at last! You needn't
    laugh, Mr. Hood. I am aware that it has been going, two or three
    times before; perhaps four times; but it is on the move now, sir,
    and no mistake.

    I beg to say, that I use those last expressions advisedly, sir, and
    not in the sense in which they are now used by Jackanapeses. There
    were no Jackanapeses when I was a boy, Mr. Hood. England was Old
    England when I was young. I little thought it would ever come to be
    Young England when I was old. But everything is going backward.

    Ah! governments were governments, and judges were judges, in my day,
    Mr. Hood. There was no nonsense then. Any of your seditious
    complainings, and we were ready with the military on the shortest
    notice. We should have charged Covent Garden Theatre, sir, on a
    Wednesday night: at the point of the bayonet. Then, the judges
    were full of dignity and firmness, and knew how to administer the
    law. There is only one judge who knows how to do his duty, now. He
    tried that revolutionary female the other day, who, though she was
    in full work (making shirts at three-halfpence a piece), had no
    pride in her country, but treasonably took it in her head, in the
    distraction of having been robbed of her easy earnings, to attempt
    to drown herself and her young child; and the glorious man went out
    of his way, sir--out of his way--to call her up for instant sentence
    of Death; and to tell her she had no hope of mercy in this world--as
    you may see yourself if you look in the papers of Wednesday the 17th
    of April. He won't be supported, sir, I know he won't; but it is
    worth remembering that his words were carried into every
    manufacturing town of this kingdom, and read aloud to crowds in
    every political parlour, beer-shop, news-room, and secret or open
    place of assembly, frequented by the discontented working-men; and
    that no milk-and-water weakness on the part of the executive can
    ever blot them out. Great things like that, are caught up, and
    stored up, in these times, and are not forgotten, Mr. Hood. The
    public at large (especially those who wish for peace and
    conciliation) are universally obliged to him. If it is reserved for
    any man to set the Thames on fire, it is reserved for him; and
    indeed I am told he very nearly did it, once.

    But even he won't save the constitution, sir: it is mauled beyond
    the power of preservation. Do you know in what foul weather it will
    be sacrificed and shipwrecked, Mr. Hood? Do you know on what rock
    it will strike, sir? You don't, I am certain; for nobody does know
    as yet but myself. I will tell you.

    The constitution will go down, sir (nautically speaking), in the
    degeneration of the human species in England, and its reduction into
    a mingled race of savages and pigmies.

    That is my proposition. That is my prediction. That is the event
    of which I give you warning. I am now going to prove it, sir.

    You are a literary man, Mr. Hood, and have written, I am told, some
    things worth reading. I say I am told, because I never read what is
    written in these days. You'll excuse me; but my principle is, that
    no man ought to know anything about his own time, except that it is
    the worst time that ever was, or is ever likely to be. That is the
    only way, sir, to be truly wise and happy.

    In your station, as a literary man, Mr. Hood, you are frequently at
    the Court of Her Gracious Majesty the Queen. God bless her! You
    have reason to know that the three great keys to the royal palace
    (after rank and politics) are Science, Literature, Art. I don't
    approve of this myself. I think it ungenteel and barbarous, and
    quite un-English; the custom having been a foreign one, ever since
    the reigns of the uncivilised sultans in the Arabian Nights, who
    always called the wise men of their time about them. But so it is.
    And when you don't dine at the royal table, there is always a knife
    and fork for you at the equerries' table: where, I understand, all
    gifted men are made particularly welcome.

    But all men can't be gifted, Mr. Hood. Neither scientific,
    literary, nor artistical powers are any more to be inherited than
    the property arising from scientific, literary, or artistic
    productions, which the law, with a beautiful imitation of nature,
    declines to protect in the second generation. Very good, sir.
    Then, people are naturally very prone to cast about in their minds
    for other means of getting at Court Favour; and, watching the signs
    of the times, to hew out for themselves, or their descendants, the
    likeliest roads to that distinguished goal.

    Mr. Hood, it is pretty clear, from recent records in the Court
    Circular, that if a father wish to train up his son in the way he
    should go, to go to Court: and cannot indenture him to be a
    scientific man, an author, or an artist, three courses are open to
    him. He must endeavour by artificial means to make him a dwarf, a
    wild man, or a Boy Jones.

    Now, sir, this is the shoal and quicksand on which the constitution
    will go to pieces.

    I have made inquiry, Mr. Hood, and find that in my neighbourhood two
    families and a fraction out of every four, in the lower and middle
    classes of society, are studying and practising all conceivable arts
    to keep their infant children down. Understand me. I do not mean
    down in their numbers, or down in their precocity, but down in their
    growth, sir. A destructive and subduing drink, compounded of gin
    and milk in equal quantities, such as is given to puppies to retard
    their growth: not something short, but something shortening: is
    administered to these young creatures many times a day. An
    unnatural and artificial thirst is first awakened in these infants
    by meals of salt beef, bacon, anchovies, sardines, red herrings,
    shrimps, olives, pea-soup, and that description of diet; and when
    they screech for drink, in accents that might melt a heart of stone,
    which they do constantly (I allude to screeching, not to melting),
    this liquid is introduced into their too confiding stomachs. At
    such an early age, and to so great an extent, is this custom of
    provoking thirst, then quenching it with a stunting drink, observed,
    that brine pap has already superseded the use of tops-and-bottoms;
    and wet-nurses, previously free from any kind of reproach, have been
    seen to stagger in the streets: owing, sir, to the quantity of gin
    introduced into their systems, with a view to its gradual and
    natural conversion into the fluid I have already mentioned.

    Upon the best calculation I can make, this is going on, as I have
    said, in the proportion of about two families and a fraction in
    four. In one more family and a fraction out of the same number,
    efforts are being made to reduce the children to a state of nature;
    and to inculcate, at a tender age, the love of raw flesh, train oil,
    new rum, and the acquisition of scalps. Wild and outlandish dances
    are also in vogue (you will have observed the prevailing rage for
    the Polka); and savage cries and whoops are much indulged in (as you
    may discover, if you doubt it, in the House of Commons any night).
    Nay, some persons, Mr. Hood; and persons of some figure and
    distinction too; have already succeeded in breeding wild sons; who
    have been publicly shown in the Courts of Bankruptcy, and in police-
    offices, and in other commodious exhibition-rooms, with great
    effect, but who have not yet found favour at court; in consequence,
    as I infer, of the impression made by Mr. Rankin's wild men being
    too fresh and recent, to say nothing of Mr. Rankin's wild men being
    foreigners.

    I need not refer you, sir, to the late instance of the Ojibbeway
    Bride. But I am credibly informed, that she is on the eve of
    retiring into a savage fastness, where she may bring forth and
    educate a wild family, who shall in course of time, by the dexterous
    use of the popularity they are certain to acquire at Windsor and St.
    James's, divide with dwarfs the principal offices of state, of
    patronage, and power, in the United Kingdom.

    Consider the deplorable consequences, Mr. Hood, which must result
    from these proceedings, and the encouragement they receive in the
    highest quarters.

    The dwarf being the favourite, sir, it is certain that the public
    mind will run in a great and eminent degree upon the production of
    dwarfs. Perhaps the failures only will be brought up, wild. The
    imagination goes a long way in these cases; and all that the
    imagination can do, will be done, and is doing. You may convince
    yourself of this, by observing the condition of those ladies who
    take particular notice of General Tom Thumb at the Egyptian Hall,
    during his hours of performance.

    The rapid increase of dwarfs, will be first felt in her Majesty's
    recruiting department. The standard will, of necessity, be lowered;
    the dwarfs will grow smaller and smaller; the vulgar expression "a
    man of his inches" will become a figure of fact, instead of a figure
    of speech; crack regiments, household-troops especially, will pick
    the smallest men from all parts of the country; and in the two
    little porticoes at the Horse Guards, two Tom Thumbs will be daily
    seen, doing duty, mounted on a pair of Shetland ponies. Each of
    them will be relieved (as Tom Thumb is at this moment, in the
    intervals of his performance) by a wild man; and a British Grenadier
    will either go into a quart pot, or be an Old Boy, or Blue Gull, or
    Flying Bull, or some other savage chief of that nature.

    I will not expatiate upon the number of dwarfs who will be found
    representing Grecian statues in all parts of the metropolis; because
    I am inclined to think that this will be a change for the better;
    and that the engagement of two or three in Trafalgar Square will
    tend to the improvement of the public taste.

    The various genteel employments at Court being held by dwarfs, sir,
    it will be necessary to alter, in some respects, the present
    regulations. It is quite clear that not even General Tom Thumb
    himself could preserve a becoming dignity on state occasions, if
    required to walk about with a scaffolding-pole under his arm;
    therefore the gold and silver sticks at present used, must be cut
    down into skewers of those precious metals; a twig of the black rod
    will be quite as much as can be conveniently preserved; the coral
    and bells of his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, will be used in
    lieu of the mace at present in existence; and that bauble (as Oliver
    Cromwell called it, Mr. Hood), its value being first calculated by
    Mr. Finlayson, the government actuary, will be placed to the credit
    of the National Debt.

    All this, sir, will be the death of the constitution. But this is
    not all. The constitution dies hard, perhaps; but there is enough
    disease impending, Mr. Hood, to kill it three times over.

    Wild men will get into the House of Commons. Imagine that, sir!
    Imagine Strong Wind in the House of Commons! It is not an easy
    matter to get through a debate now; but I say, imagine Strong Wind,
    speaking for the benefit of his constituents, upon the floor of the
    House of Commons! or imagine (which is pregnant with more awful
    consequences still) the ministry having an interpreter in the House
    of Commons, to tell the country, in English, what it really means!

    Why, sir, that in itself would be blowing the constitution out of
    the mortar in St. James's Park, and leaving nothing of it to be seen
    but smoke.

    But this, I repeat it, is the state of things to which we are fast
    tending, Mr. Hood; and I enclose my card for your private eye, that
    you may be quite certain of it. What the condition of this country
    will be, when its standing army is composed of dwarfs, with here and
    there a wild man to throw its ranks into confusion, like the
    elephants employed in war in former times, I leave you to imagine,
    sir. It may be objected by some hopeful jackanapeses, that the
    number of impressments in the navy, consequent upon the seizure of
    the Boy-Joneses, or remaining portion of the population ambitious of
    Court Favour, will be in itself sufficient to defend our Island from
    foreign invasion. But I tell those jackanapeses, sir, that while I
    admit the wisdom of the Boy Jones precedent, of kidnapping such
    youths after the expiration of their several terms of imprisonment
    as vagabonds; hurrying them on board ship; and packing them off to
    sea again whenever they venture to take the air on shore; I deny the
    justice of the inference; inasmuch as it appears to me, that the
    inquiring minds of those young outlaws must naturally lead to their
    being hanged by the enemy as spies, early in their career; and
    before they shall have been rated on the books of our fleet as able
    seamen.

    Such, Mr. Hood, sir, is the prospect before us! And unless you, and
    some of your friends who have influence at Court, can get up a giant
    as a forlorn hope, it is all over with this ill-fated land.

    In reference to your own affairs, sir, you will take whatever course
    may seem to you most prudent and advisable after this warning. It
    is not a warning to be slighted: that I happen to know. I am
    informed by the gentleman who favours this, that you have recently
    been making some changes and improvements in your Magazine, and are,
    in point of fact, starting afresh. If I be well informed, and this
    be really so, rely upon it that you cannot start too small, sir.
    Come down to the duodecimo size instantly, Mr. Hood. Take time by
    the forelock; and, reducing the stature of your Magazine every
    month, bring it at last to the dimensions of the little almanack no
    longer issued, I regret to say, by the ingenious Mr. Schloss: which
    was invisible to the naked eye until examined through a little eye-
    glass.

    You project, I am told, the publication of a new novel, by yourself,
    in the pages of your Magazine. A word in your ear. I am not a
    young man, sir, and have had some experience. Don't put your own
    name on the title-page; it would be suicide and madness. Treat with
    General Tom Thumb, Mr. Hood, for the use of his name on any terms.
    If the gallant general should decline to treat with you, get Mr.
    Barnum's name, which is the next best in the market. And when,
    through this politic course, you shall have received, in presents, a
    richly jewelled set of tablets from Buckingham Palace, and a gold
    watch and appendages from Marlborough House; and when those valuable
    trinkets shall be left under a glass case at your publisher's for
    inspection by your friends and the public in general;--then, sir,
    you will do me the justice of remembering this communication.

    It is unnecessary for me to add, after what I have observed in the
    course of this letter, that I am not,--sir, ever your

    CONSTANT READER.

    TUESDAY, 23rd April 1844.

    P.S.--Impress it upon your contributors that they cannot be too
    short; and that if not dwarfish, they must be wild--or at all events
    not tame.
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