Only Temper - Page 2

green bruise as a form of insurance against an accident.

Touchwood's bad temper is of the contradicting pugnacious sort. He is
the honourable gentleman in opposition, whatever proposal or proposition
may be broached, and when others join him he secretly damns their
superfluous agreement, quickly discovering that his way of stating the
case is not exactly theirs. An invitation or any sign of expectation
throws him into an attitude of refusal. Ask his concurrence in a
benevolent measure: he will not decline to give it, because he has a
real sympathy with good aims; but he complies resentfully, though where
he is let alone he will do much more than any one would have thought of
asking for. No man would shrink with greater sensitiveness from the
imputation of not paying his debts, yet when a bill is sent in with any
promptitude he is inclined to make the tradesman wait for the money he
is in such a hurry to get. One sees that this antagonistic temper must
be much relieved by finding a particular object, and that its worst
moments must be those where the mood is that of vague resistance, there
being nothing specific to oppose. Touchwood is never so little engaging
as when he comes down to breakfast with a cloud on his brow, after
parting from you the night before with an affectionate effusiveness at
the end of a confidential conversation which has assured you of mutual
understanding. Impossible that you can have committed any offence. If
mice have disturbed him, that is not your fault; but, nevertheless, your
cheerful greeting had better not convey any reference to the weather,
else it will be met by a sneer which, taking you unawares, may give you
a crushing sense that you make a poor figure with your cheerfulness,
which was not asked for. Some daring person perhaps introduces another
topic, and uses the delicate flattery of appealing to Touchwood for his
opinion, the topic being included in his favourite studies. An
indistinct muttering, with a look at the carving-knife in reply, teaches
that daring person how ill he has chosen a market for his deference. If
Touchwood's behaviour affects you very closely you had better break your
leg in the course of the day: his bad temper will then vanish at once;
he will take a painful journey on your behalf; he will sit up with you
night after night; he will do all the work of your department so as to
save you from any loss in consequence of your accident; he will be even
uniformly tender to you till you are well on your legs again, when he
will some fine morning insult you without provocation, and make you wish
that his generous goodness to you had not closed your lips against
retort.

It is not always necessary that a friend should break his leg for
Touchwood to feel