Book 5 - Chapter 3

The Wavering Balance

I said that Maggie went home that evening from the Red Deeps with a
mental conflict already begun. You have seen clearly enough, in her
interview with Philip, what that conflict was. Here suddenly was an
opening in the rocky wall which shut in the narrow valley of
humiliation, where all her prospect was the remote, unfathomed sky;
and some of the memory-haunting earthly delights were no longer out of
her reach. She might have books, converse, affection; she might hear
tidings of the world from which her mind had not yet lost its sense of
exile; and it would be a kindness to Philip too, who was
pitiable,--clearly not happy. And perhaps here was an opportunity
indicated for making her mind more worthy of its highest service;
perhaps the noblest, completest devoutness could hardly exist without
some width of knowledge; _must_ she always live in this resigned
imprisonment? It was so blameless, so good a thing that there should
be friendship between her and Philip; the motives that forbade it were
so unreasonable, so unchristian! But the severe monotonous warning
came again and again,--that she was losing the simplicity and
clearness of her life by admitting a ground of concealment; and that,
by forsaking the simple rule of renunciation, she was throwing herself
under the seductive guidance of illimitable wants. She thought she had
won strength to obey the warning before she allowed herself the next
week to turn her steps in the evening to the Red Deeps. But while she
was resolved to say an affectionate farewell to Philip, how she looked
forward to that evening walk in the still, fleckered shade of the
hollows, away from all that was harsh and unlovely; to the
affectionate, admiring looks that would meet her; to the sense of
comradeship that childish memories would give to wiser, older talk; to
the certainty that Philip would care to hear everything she said,
which no one else cared for! It was a half-hour that it would be very
hard to turn her back upon, with the sense that there would be no
other like it. Yet she said what she meant to say; she looked firm as
well as sad.

"Philip, I have made up my mind; it is right that we should give each
other up, in everything but memory. I could not see you without
concealment--stay, I know what you are going to say,--it is other
people's wrong feelings that make concealment necessary; but
concealment is bad, however it may be caused. I feel that it would be
bad for me, for us both. And then, if our secret were discovered,
there would be nothing but misery,--dreadful anger; and then we must
part after all, and it would be harder, when we were used to seeing
each other."

Philip's face had flushed, and there was a momentary