Act I - Page 2

AUGUSTUS. You! Ridiculous. What right have you to call yourself
by a pretentious name of that sort?

THE CLERK. You may drop the Horatio Floyd. Beamish is good enough
for me.

AUGUSTUS. Is there nobody else to take my instructions?

THE CLERK. It's me or nobody. And for two pins I'd chuck it.
Don't you drive me too far. Old uns like me is up in the world
now.

AUGUSTUS. If we were not at war, I should discharge you on the
spot for disrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I
cannot think of my personal dignity at such a moment. [Shouting
at him.] Don't you think of yours, either, worm that you are; or
I'll have you arrested under the Defence of the Realm Act, double
quick.

THE CLERK. What do I care about the realm? They done me out of
two and seven--

AUGUSTUS. Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my
letters?

THE CLERK. Yes.

AUGUSTUS. I addressed a meeting here last night--went straight to
the platform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect
you to be present and report yourself. Why did you not do so?

THE CLERK. The police wouldn't let me on the platform.

AUGUSTUS. Did you tell them who you were?

THE CLERK. They knew who I was. That's why they wouldn't let me
up.

AUGUSTUS. This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking
up. I made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and
not a man joined.

THE CLERK. What did you expect? You told them our gallant fellows
is falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push. Dying
for Little Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places, you
says. That ain't the way to recruit.

AUGUSTUS. But I expressly told them their widows would have
pensions.

THE CLERK. I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been
the widows you wanted to get round.

AUGUSTUS [rising angrily]. This town is inhabited by dastards. I
say it with a full sense of responsibility, DASTARDS! They call
themselves Englishmen; and they are afraid to fight.

THE CLERK. Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday
night.

AUGUSTUS. Yes, they fight one another; but they won't fight the
Germans.

THE CLERK. They got grudges again one another: how can they have
grudges again the Huns that they never saw? They've no
imagination: that's what it is. Bring the Huns here; and they'll
quarrel with them fast enough.

AUGUSTUS [returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust]. Mf!
They'll have them here if they're not careful. [Seated.] Have you
carried out my orders about the war saving?

THE CLERK. Yes.

AUGUSTUS. The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three
quarters?