Act III - Page 2

FRANK. Oh, long ago. He hasn't turned a hair: he's in much better
practice than you. Has kept it up ever since, probably. He's taken
himself off somewhere to smoke.

[Frank resumes his paper. The parson turns disconsolately towards the
gate; then comes back irresolutely.]

REV. S. Er--Frank.

FRANK. Yes.

REV. S. Do you think the Warrens will expect to be asked here after
yesterday afternoon?

FRANK. Theyve been asked already.

REV. S. [appalled] What!!!

FRANK. Crofts informed us at breakfast that you told him to bring Mrs
Warren and Vivie over here to-day, and to invite them to make this house
their home. My mother then found she must go to town by the 11.13 train.

REV. S. [with despairing vehemence] I never gave any such invitation. I
never thought of such a thing.

FRANK [compassionately] How do you know, gov'nor, what you said and
thought last night?

PRAED [coming in through the hedge] Good morning.

REV. S. Good morning. I must apologize for not having met you at
breakfast. I have a touch of--of--

FRANK. Clergyman's sore throat, Praed. Fortunately not chronic.

PRAED [changing the subject] Well I must say your house is in a charming
spot here. Really most charming.

REV. S. Yes: it is indeed. Frank will take you for a walk, Mr Praed,
if you like. I'll ask you to excuse me: I must take the opportunity
to write my sermon while Mrs Gardner is away and you are all amusing
yourselves. You won't mind, will you?

PRAED. Certainly not. Don't stand on the slightest ceremony with me.

REV. S. Thank you. I'll--er--er--[He stammers his way to the porch and
vanishes into the house].

PRAED. Curious thing it must be writing a sermon every week.

FRANK. Ever so curious, if he did it. He buys em. He's gone for some
soda water.

PRAED. My dear boy: I wish you would be more respectful to your father.
You know you can be so nice when you like.

FRANK. My dear Praddy: you forget that I have to live with the governor.
When two people live together--it don't matter whether theyre father and
son or husband and wife or brother and sister--they can't keep up the
polite humbug thats so easy for ten minutes on an afternoon call.
Now the governor, who unites to many admirable domestic qualities the
irresoluteness of a sheep and the pompousness and aggressiveness of a
jackass--

PRAED. No, pray, pray, my dear Frank, remember! He is your father.

FRANK. I give him due credit for that. [Rising and flinging down his
paper] But just imagine his telling Crofts to bring the Warrens over
here! He must have been ever so drunk. You know, my dear Praddy, my
mother wouldn't stand Mrs Warren for a moment.