Chapter 6

"Yes, so it is; and that went farther and farther with all sorts of
variations. My God! when I remember all my cowardly acts and bad deeds,
I am frightened. And I remember that 'me' who, during that period, was
still the butt of his comrades' ridicule on account of his innocence.

"And when I hear people talk of the gilded youth, of the officers, of
the Parisians, and all these gentlemen, and myself, living wild lives
at the age of thirty, and who have on our consciences hundreds of
crimes toward women, terrible and varied, when we enter a parlor or a
ball-room, washed, shaven, and perfumed, with very white linen, in dress
coats or in uniform, as emblems of purity, oh, the disgust! There
will surely come a time, an epoch, when all these lives and all this
cowardice will be unveiled!

"So, nevertheless, I lived, until the age of thirty, without abandoning
for a minute my intention of marrying, and building an elevated conjugal
life; and with this in view I watched all young girls who might suit me.
I was buried in rottenness, and at the same time I looked for virgins,
whose purity was worthy of me! Many of them were rejected: they did not
seem to me pure enough!

"Finally I found one that I considered on a level with myself. She was
one of two daughters of a landed proprietor of Penza, formerly very rich
and since ruined. To tell the truth, without false modesty, they pursued
me and finally captured me. The mother (the father was away) laid all
sorts of traps, and one of these, a trip in a boat, decided my future.

"I made up my mind at the end of the aforesaid trip one night, by
moonlight, on our way home, while I was sitting beside her. I admired
her slender body, whose charming shape was moulded by a jersey, and her
curling hair, and I suddenly concluded that THIS WAS SHE. It seemed to
me on that beautiful evening that she understood all that I thought and
felt, and I thought and felt the most elevating things.

"Really, it was only the jersey that was so becoming to her, and her
curly hair, and also the fact that I had spent the day beside her, and
that I desired a more intimate relation.

"I returned home enthusiastic, and I persuaded myself that she realized
the highest perfection, and that for that reason she was worthy to be my
wife, and the next day I made to her a proposal of marriage.

"No, say what you will, we live in such an abyss of falsehood, that,
unless some event strikes us a blow on the head, as in my case, we
cannot awaken. What confusion! Out of the thousands of men who marry,
not only among us, but also among the people, scarcely will you find
a single one who has not previously married at least ten times. (It is
true