Chapter 22 - Page 2

touch me in
that tender spot) nothing will astonish me.'

"'Yes, offended, humiliated, and dishonored, and after that to hold
me still responsible,' thought I, and suddenly a rage, such a hatred
invaded me as I do not remember to have ever felt before. For the first
time I desired to express this hatred physically. I leaped upon her, but
at the same moment I understood my condition, and I asked myself whether
it would be well for me to abandon myself to my fury. And I answered
myself that it would be well, that it would frighten her, and, instead
of resisting, I lashed and spurred myself on, and was glad to feel my
anger boiling more and more fiercely.

"'Go away, or I will kill you!' I cried, purposely, with a frightful
voice, and I grasped her by the arm. She did not go away. Then I twisted
her arm, and pushed her away violently.

"'What is the matter with you? Come to your senses!' she shrieked.

"'Go away,' roared I, louder than ever, rolling my eyes wildly. 'It
takes you to put me in such a fury. I do not answer for myself! Go
away!'

"In abandoning myself to my anger, I became steeped in it, and I wanted
to commit some violent act to show the force of my fury. I felt a
terrible desire to beat her, to kill her, but I realized that that could
not be, and I restrained myself. I drew back from her, rushed to the
table, grasped the paper-weight, and threw it on the floor by her side.
I took care to aim a little to one side, and, before she disappeared (I
did it so that she could see it), I grasped a candlestick, which I also
hurled, and then took down the barometer, continuing to shout:

"'Go away! I do not answer for myself!'

"She disappeared, and I immediately ceased my demonstrations. An hour
later the old servant came to me and said that my wife was in a fit
of hysterics. I went to see her. She sobbed and laughed, incapable of
expressing anything, her whole body in a tremble. She was not shamming,
she was really sick. We sent for the doctor, and all night long I cared
for her. Toward daylight she grew calmer, and we became reconciled under
the influence of that feeling which we called 'love.' The next morning,
when, after the reconciliation, I confessed to her that I was jealous of
Troukhatchevsky, she was not at all embarrassed, and began to laugh in
the most natural way, so strange did the possibility of being led astray
by such a man appear to her.

"'With such a man can an honest woman entertain any feeling beyond the
pleasure of enjoying music with him? But if you like, I am ready
to never see him again, even on Sunday, although everybody has been
invited. Write him that I am indisposed, and that will end the
matter.