Chapter 37

AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

Affaires du coeur exercised me greatly that winter. In fact, I
fell in love three times. The first time, I became passionately
enamoured of a buxom lady whom I used to see riding at Freitag's
riding-school; with the result that every day when she was taking
a lesson there (that is to say, every Tuesday and Friday) I used
to go to gaze at her, but always in such a state of trepidation
lest I should be seen that I stood a long way off, and bolted
directly I thought her likely to approach the spot where I was
standing. Likewise, I used to turn round so precipitately whenever
she appeared to be glancing in my direction that I never saw her
face well, and to this day do not know whether she was really
beautiful or not.

Dubkoff, who was acquainted with her, surprised me one day in the
riding-school, where I was lurking concealed behind the lady's
grooms and the fur wraps which they were holding, and, having
heard from Dimitri of my infatuation, frightened me so terribly
by proposing to introduce me to the Amazon that I fled
incontinently from the school, and was prevented by the mere
thought that possibly he had told her about me from ever entering
the place again, or even from hiding behind her grooms, lest I
should encounter her.

Whenever I fell in love with ladies whom I did not know, and
especially married women, I experienced a shyness a thousand
times greater than I had ever felt with Sonetchka. I dreaded
beyond measure that my divinity should learn of my passion, or
even of my existence, since I felt sure that, once she had done
so, she would be so terribly offended that I should never be
forgiven for my presumption. And indeed, if the Amazon referred
to above had ever come to know how I used to stand behind the
grooms and dream of seizing her and carrying her off to some
country spot--if she had ever come to know how I should have lived
with her there, and how I should have treated her, it is probable
that she would have had very good cause for indignation! But I
always felt that, once I got to know her, she would straightway
divine these thoughts, and consider herself insulted by my
acquaintance.

As my second affaire du coeur, I, (for the third time) fell in
love with Sonetchka when I saw her at her sister's. My second
passion for her had long since come to an end, but I became
enamoured of her this third time through Lubotshka sending me a
copy-book in which Sonetchka had copied some extracts from
Lermontoff's The Demon, with certain of the more subtly amorous
passages underlined in red ink and marked with pressed flowers.
Remembering how Woloda had been wont to kiss his inamorata's
purse last year, I essayed to do the same thing now;