Chapter 37 - Page 2

and really,
when alone in my room in the evenings and engaged in dreaming as
I looked at a flower or occasionally pressed it to my lips, I
would feel a certain pleasantly lachrymose mood steal over me,
and remain genuinely in love (or suppose myself to be so) for at
least several days.

Finally, my third affaire du coeur that winter was connected with
the lady with whom Woloda was in love, and who used occasionally
to visit at our house. Yet, in this damsel, as I now remember,
there was not a single beautiful feature to be found--or, at all
events, none of those which usually pleased me. She was the
daughter of a well-known Moscow lady of light and leading, and,
petite and slender, wore long flaxen curls after the English
fashion, and could boast of a transparent profile. Every one said
that she was even cleverer and more learned than her mother, but
I was never in a position to judge of that, since, overcome with
craven bashfulness at the mere thought of her intellect and
accomplishments, I never spoke to her alone but once, and then
with unaccountable trepidation. Woloda's enthusiasm, however (for
the presence of an audience never prevented him from giving vent
to his rapture), communicated itself to me so strongly that I
also became enamoured of the lady. Yet, conscious that he would
not be pleased to know that two brothers were in love with the
same girl, I never told him of my condition. On the contrary, I
took special delight in the thought that our mutual love for her
was so pure that, though its object was, in both cases, the same
charming being, we remained friends and ready, if ever the
occasion should arise, to sacrifice ourselves for one another.
Yet I have an idea that, as regards self-sacrifice, he did not
quite share my views, for he was so passionately in love with the
lady that once he was for giving a member of the diplomatic
corps, who was said to be going to marry her, a slap in the face
and a challenge to a duel; but, for my part, I would gladly have
sacrificed my feelings for his sake, seeing that the fact that
the only remark I had ever addressed to her had been on the
subject of the dignity of classical music, and that my passion,
for all my efforts to keep it alive, expired the following week,
would have rendered it the more easy for me to do so.