Chapter 40 - Page 2

off into raptures and exclamations and impassioned gestures
whenever I wished it to be thought that anything pleased me,
while, on the other hand, I tried always to seem indifferent
towards any unusual circumstance which I myself perceived or
which I had had pointed out to me. I aimed always at figuring
both as a sarcastic cynic divorced from every sacred tie and as a
shrewd observer, as well as at being accounted logical in all my
conduct, precise and methodical in all my ways of life, and at
the same time contemptuous of all materiality. I may safely say
that I was far better in reality than the strange being into whom
I attempted to convert myself; yet, whatever I was or was not,
the Nechludoffs were unfailingly kind to me, and (happily for
myself) took no notice (as it now appears) of my play-acting.
Only Lubov Sergievna, who, I believe, really believed me to be a
great egoist, atheist, and cynic, had no love for me, but
frequently disputed what I said, flew into tempers, and left me
petrified with her disjointed, irrelevant utterances. Yet Dimitri
held always to the same strange, something more than friendly,
relations with her, and used to say not only that she was
misunderstood by every one, but that she did him a world of good.
This, however, did not prevent the rest of his family from
finding fault with his infatuation.

Once, when talking to me about this incomprehensible attachment,
Varenika explained the matter thus: "You see, Dimitri is a
selfish person. He is very proud, and, for all his intellect,
very fond of praise, and of surprising people, and of always
being FIRST, while little Auntie" (the general nickname for Lubov
Sergievna) "is innocent enough to admire him, and at the same
time devoid of the tact to conceal her admiration. Consequently
she flatters his vanity--not out of pretence, but sincerely."

This dictum I laid to heart, and, when thinking it over
afterwards, could not but come to the conclusion that Varenika
was very sensible; wherefore I was glad to award her promotion
thenceforth in my regard. Yet, though I was always glad enough to
assign her any credit which might arise from my discovering in
her character any signs of good sense or other moral qualities, I
did so with strict moderation, and never ran to any extreme pitch
of enthusiasm in the process. Thus, when Sophia Ivanovna (who was
never weary of discussing her niece) related to me how, four
years ago, Varenika had suddenly given away all her clothes to
some peasant children without first asking permission to do so,
so that the garments had subsequently to be recovered, I did not
at once accept the fact as entitling Varenika to elevation in my
opinion, but went on giving her