Chapter 45 - Page 2

the examinations, as a great
favour, but the professor replied that he (Ikonin) was not likely
to do in two days what he had not succeeded in doing in a year,
and that he had not the smallest chance of passing. Ikonin
renewed his humble, piteous appeals, but the professor was
inexorable.

"You can go, gentlemen," he remarked in the same quiet, resolute
voice.

I was only too glad to do so, for I felt ashamed of seeming, by
my silent presence, to be joining in Ikonin's humiliating prayers
for grace. I have no recollection of how I threaded my way
through the students in the hall, nor of what I replied to their
questions, nor of how I passed into the vestibule and departed
home. I was offended, humiliated, and genuinely unhappy.

For three days I never left my room, and saw no one, but found
relief in copious tears. I should have sought a pistol to shoot
myself if I had had the necessary determination for the deed. I
thought that Ilinka Grap would spit in my face when he next met
me, and that he would have the right to do so; that Operoff would
rejoice at my misfortune, and tell every one of it; that
Kolpikoff had justly shamed me that night at the restaurant; that
my stupid speeches to Princess Kornikoff had had their fitting
result; and so on, and so on. All the moments in my life which
had been for me most difficult and painful recurred to my mind. I
tried to blame some one for my calamity, and thought that some
one must have done it on purpose--must have conspired a whole
intrigue against me. Next, I murmured against the professors,
against my comrades, Woloda, Dimitri, and Papa (the last for
having sent me to the University at all). Finally, I railed at
Providence for ever having let me see such ignominy. Believing
myself ruined for ever in the eyes of all who knew me, I besought
Papa to let me go into the hussars or to the Caucasus. Naturally,
Papa was anything but pleased at what had happened; yet, on
seeing my passionate grief, he comforted me by saying that,
though it was a bad business, it might yet be mended by my
transferring to another faculty. Woloda, who also saw nothing
very terrible in my misfortune, added that at least I should not
be put out of countenance in a new faculty, since I should have
new comrades there. As for the ladies of the household, they
neither knew nor cared what either an examination or a plucking
meant, and condoled with me only because they saw me in such
distress. Dimitri came to see me every day, and was very kind and
consolatory throughout; but for that very reason he seemed to me
to have grown colder than before. It always hurt me and made me
feel uncomfortable when he came up to my room and seated himself
in silence