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    Chapter 23

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    Chapter 23
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    CHAPTER XXIII [Nicodemus Dodge and the Skeleton]

    We were satisfied that we could walk to Oppenau in one day, now that
    we were in practice; so we set out the next morning after breakfast
    determined to do it. It was all the way downhill, and we had the
    loveliest summer weather for it. So we set the pedometer and then
    stretched away on an easy, regular stride, down through the cloven
    forest, drawing in the fragrant breath of the morning in deep refreshing
    draughts, and wishing we might never have anything to do forever but
    walk to Oppenau and keep on doing it and then doing it over again.

    Now, the true charm of pedestrianism does not lie in the walking, or
    in the scenery, but in the talking. The walking is good to time the
    movement of the tongue by, and to keep the blood and the brain stirred
    up and active; the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in
    upon a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace to eye and
    soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes from the talk. It is no
    matter whether one talks wisdom or nonsense, the case is the same, the
    bulk of the enjoyment lies in the wagging of the gladsome jaw and the
    flapping of the sympathetic ear.

    And what motley variety of subjects a couple of people will casually
    rake over in the course of a day's tramp! There being no constraint,
    a change of subject is always in order, and so a body is not likely to
    keep pegging at a single topic until it grows tiresome. We discussed
    everything we knew, during the first fifteen or twenty minutes, that
    morning, and then branched out into the glad, free, boundless realm of
    the things we were not certain about.

    Harris said that if the best writer in the world once got the slovenly
    habit of doubling up his "haves" he could never get rid of it while he
    lived. That is to say, if a man gets the habit of saying "I should
    have liked to have known more about it" instead of saying simply and
    sensibly, "I should have liked to know more about it," that man's
    disease is incurable. Harris said that his sort of lapse is to be found
    in every copy of every newspaper that has ever been printed in English,
    and in almost all of our books. He said he had observed it in Kirkham's
    grammar and in Macaulay. Harris believed that milk-teeth are commoner in
    men's mouths than those "doubled-up haves." [1]

    1. I do not know that there have not been moments in the
    course of the present session when I should have been
    very glad to have accepted the proposal of my noble friend,
    and to have exchanged parts in some of our evenings
    of work.--[From a Speech of the English Chancellor
    of the Exchequer, August, 1879.]

    That changed the subject to dentistry. I said I believed the average
    man dreaded tooth-pulling more than amputation, and that he would yell
    quicker under the former operation than he would under the latter. The
    philosopher Harris said that the average man would not yell in either
    case if he had an audience. Then he continued:

    "When our brigade first went into camp on the Potomac, we used to be
    brought up standing, occasionally, by an ear-splitting howl of anguish.
    That meant that a soldier was getting a tooth pulled in a tent. But the
    surgeons soon changed that; they instituted open-air dentistry. There
    never was a howl afterward--that is, from the man who was having the
    tooth pulled. At the daily dental hour there would always be about five
    hundred soldiers gathered together in the neighborhood of that dental
    chair waiting to see the performance--and help; and the moment the
    surgeon took a grip on the candidate's tooth and began to lift, every
    one of those five hundred rascals would clap his hand to his jaw and
    begin to hop around on one leg and howl with all the lungs he had!
    It was enough to raise your hair to hear that variegated and enormous
    unanimous caterwaul burst out! With so big and so derisive an audience
    as that, a suffer wouldn't emit a sound though you pulled his head off.
    The surgeons said that pretty often a patient was compelled to laugh, in
    the midst of his pangs, but that had never caught one crying out, after
    the open-air exhibition was instituted."

    Dental surgeons suggested doctors, doctors suggested death, death
    suggested skeletons--and so, by a logical process the conversation
    melted out of one of these subjects and into the next, until the topic
    of skeletons raised up Nicodemus Dodge out of the deep grave in my
    memory where he had lain buried and forgotten for twenty-five years.
    When I was a boy in a printing-office in Missouri, a loose-jointed,
    long-legged, tow-headed, jeans-clad countrified cub of about sixteen
    lounged in one day, and without removing his hands from the depths of
    his trousers pockets or taking off his faded ruin of a slouch hat, whose
    broken rim hung limp and ragged about his eyes and ears like a bug-eaten
    cabbage leaf, stared indifferently around, then leaned his hip against
    the editor's table, crossed his mighty brogans, aimed at a distant
    fly from a crevice in his upper teeth, laid him low, and said with

    "Whar's the boss?"

    "I am the boss," said the editor, following this curious bit of
    architecture wonderingly along up to its clock-face with his eye.

    "Don't want anybody fur to learn the business, 'tain't likely?"

    "Well, I don't know. Would you like to learn it?"

    "Pap's so po' he cain't run me no mo', so I want to git a show somers if
    I kin, 'taint no diffunce what--I'm strong and hearty, and I don't turn
    my back on no kind of work, hard nur soft."

    "Do you think you would like to learn the printing business?"

    "Well, I don't re'ly k'yer a durn what I DO learn, so's I git a chance
    fur to make my way. I'd jist as soon learn print'n's anything."

    "Can you read?"



    "Well, I've seed people could lay over me thar."


    "Not good enough to keep store, I don't reckon, but up as fur as
    twelve-times-twelve I ain't no slouch. 'Tother side of that is what gits

    "Where is your home?"

    "I'm f'm old Shelby."

    "What's your father's religious denomination?"

    "Him? Oh, he's a blacksmith."

    "No, no--I don't mean his trade. What's his RELIGIOUS DENOMINATION?"

    "OH--I didn't understand you befo'. He's a Freemason."

    "No, no, you don't get my meaning yet. What I mean is, does he belong to
    any CHURCH?"

    "NOW you're talkin'! Couldn't make out what you was a-tryin' to git
    through yo' head no way. B'long to a CHURCH! Why, boss, he's ben the
    pizenest kind of Free-will Babtis' for forty year. They ain't no pizener
    ones 'n what HE is. Mighty good man, pap is. Everybody says that. If
    they said any diffrunt they wouldn't say it whar _I_ wuz--not MUCH they

    "What is your own religion?"

    "Well, boss, you've kind o' got me, there--and yit you hain't got me so
    mighty much, nuther. I think 't if a feller he'ps another feller when
    he's in trouble, and don't cuss, and don't do no mean things, nur
    noth'n' he ain' no business to do, and don't spell the Saviour's name
    with a little g, he ain't runnin' no resks--he's about as saift as he
    b'longed to a church."

    "But suppose he did spell it with a little g--what then?"

    "Well, if he done it a-purpose, I reckon he wouldn't stand no chance--he
    OUGHTN'T to have no chance, anyway, I'm most rotten certain 'bout that."

    "What is your name?"

    "Nicodemus Dodge."

    "I think maybe you'll do, Nicodemus. We'll give you a trial, anyway."

    "All right."

    "When would you like to begin?"


    So, within ten minutes after we had first glimpsed this nondescript he
    was one of us, and with his coat off and hard at it.

    Beyond that end of our establishment which was furthest from the street,
    was a deserted garden, pathless, and thickly grown with the bloomy and
    villainous "jimpson" weed and its common friend the stately sunflower.
    In the midst of this mournful spot was a decayed and aged little "frame"
    house with but one room, one window, and no ceiling--it had been a
    smoke-house a generation before. Nicodemus was given this lonely and
    ghostly den as a bedchamber.

    The village smarties recognized a treasure in Nicodemus, right away--a
    butt to play jokes on. It was easy to see that he was inconceivably
    green and confiding. George Jones had the glory of perpetrating the
    first joke on him; he gave him a cigar with a firecracker in it and
    winked to the crowd to come; the thing exploded presently and swept away
    the bulk of Nicodemus's eyebrows and eyelashes. He simply said:

    "I consider them kind of seeg'yars dangersome,"--and seemed to suspect
    nothing. The next evening Nicodemus waylaid George and poured a bucket
    of ice-water over him.

    One day, while Nicodemus was in swimming, Tom McElroy "tied" his
    clothes. Nicodemus made a bonfire of Tom's by way of retaliation.

    A third joke was played upon Nicodemus a day or two later--he walked
    up the middle aisle of the village church, Sunday night, with a staring
    handbill pinned between his shoulders. The joker spent the remainder
    of the night, after church, in the cellar of a deserted house, and
    Nicodemus sat on the cellar door till toward breakfast-time to make
    sure that the prisoner remembered that if any noise was made, some rough
    treatment would be the consequence. The cellar had two feet of stagnant
    water in it, and was bottomed with six inches of soft mud.

    But I wander from the point. It was the subject of skeletons that
    brought this boy back to my recollection. Before a very long time
    had elapsed, the village smarties began to feel an uncomfortable
    consciousness of not having made a very shining success out of their
    attempts on the simpleton from "old Shelby." Experimenters grew scarce
    and chary. Now the young doctor came to the rescue. There was delight
    and applause when he proposed to scare Nicodemus to death, and explained
    how he was going to do it. He had a noble new skeleton--the skeleton of
    the late and only local celebrity, Jimmy Finn, the village drunkard--a
    grisly piece of property which he had bought of Jimmy Finn himself, at
    auction, for fifty dollars, under great competition, when Jimmy lay very
    sick in the tan-yard a fortnight before his death. The fifty dollars had
    gone promptly for whiskey and had considerably hurried up the change of
    ownership in the skeleton. The doctor would put Jimmy Finn's skeleton in
    Nicodemus's bed!

    This was done--about half past ten in the evening. About Nicodemus's
    usual bedtime--midnight--the village jokers came creeping stealthily
    through the jimpson weeds and sunflowers toward the lonely frame den.
    They reached the window and peeped in. There sat the long-legged pauper,
    on his bed, in a very short shirt, and nothing more; he was dangling
    his legs contentedly back and forth, and wheezing the music of "Camptown
    Races" out of a paper-overlaid comb which he was pressing against his
    mouth; by him lay a new jewsharp, a new top, and solid india-rubber
    ball, a handful of painted marbles, five pounds of "store" candy, and
    a well-gnawed slab of gingerbread as big and as thick as a volume of
    sheet-music. He had sold the skeleton to a traveling quack for three
    dollars and was enjoying the result!

    Just as we had finished talking about skeletons and were drifting into
    the subject of fossils, Harris and I heard a shout, and glanced up the
    steep hillside. We saw men and women standing away up there looking
    frightened, and there was a bulky object tumbling and floundering down
    the steep slope toward us. We got out of the way, and when the object
    landed in the road it proved to be a boy. He had tripped and fallen, and
    there was nothing for him to do but trust to luck and take what might

    When one starts to roll down a place like that, there is no stopping
    till the bottom is reached. Think of people FARMING on a slant which is
    so steep that the best you can say of it--if you want to be fastidiously
    accurate--is, that it is a little steeper than a ladder and not quite
    so steep as a mansard roof. But that is what they do. Some of the little
    farms on the hillside opposite Heidelberg were stood up "edgeways."
    The boy was wonderfully jolted up, and his head was bleeding, from cuts
    which it had got from small stones on the way.

    Harris and I gathered him up and set him on a stone, and by that time
    the men and women had scampered down and brought his cap.

    Men, women, and children flocked out from neighboring cottages
    and joined the crowd; the pale boy was petted, and stared at, and
    commiserated, and water was brought for him to drink and bathe his
    bruises in. And such another clatter of tongues! All who had seen the
    catastrophe were describing it at once, and each trying to talk louder
    than his neighbor; and one youth of a superior genius ran a little way
    up the hill, called attention, tripped, fell, rolled down among us, and
    thus triumphantly showed exactly how the thing had been done.

    Harris and I were included in all the descriptions; how we were coming
    along; how Hans Gross shouted; how we looked up startled; how we saw
    Peter coming like a cannon-shot; how judiciously we got out of the way,
    and let him come; and with what presence of mind we picked him up and
    brushed him off and set him on a rock when the performance was over.
    We were as much heroes as anybody else, except Peter, and were so
    recognized; we were taken with Peter and the populace to Peter's
    mother's cottage, and there we ate bread and cheese, and drank milk and
    beer with everybody, and had a most sociable good time; and when we left
    we had a handshake all around, and were receiving and shouting back LEB'
    WOHL's until a turn in the road separated us from our cordial and kindly
    new friends forever.

    We accomplished our undertaking. At half past eight in the evening
    we stepped into Oppenau, just eleven hours and a half out of
    Allerheiligen--one hundred and forty-six miles. This is the distance by
    pedometer; the guide-book and the Imperial Ordinance maps make it only
    ten and a quarter--a surprising blunder, for these two authorities are
    usually singularly accurate in the matter of distances.
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