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    Act 2. Scene IV

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    Chapter 8
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    SCENE IV. London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap.

    Enter two Drawers
    First Drawer
    What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns?
    thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

    Second Drawer
    Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dish
    of apple-johns before him, and told him there were
    five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said
    'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round,
    old, withered knights.' It angered him to the
    heart: but he hath forgot that.

    First Drawer
    Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see if
    thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress
    Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the
    room where they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight.

    Second Drawer
    Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poins
    anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and
    aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph
    hath brought word.

    First Drawer
    By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be an
    excellent stratagem.

    Second Drawer
    I'll see if I can find out Sneak.

    Exit

    Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an
    excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as
    extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your
    colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good
    truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much
    canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine,
    and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 'What's
    this?' How do you now?

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Better than I was: hem!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.
    Lo, here comes Sir John.

    Enter FALSTAFF

    FALSTAFF
    [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court,'
    --Empty the jordan.

    Exit First Drawer

    Singing

    --'And was a worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.

    FALSTAFF
    So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?

    FALSTAFF
    You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; I
    make them not.

    FALSTAFF
    If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to
    make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we
    catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.

    FALSTAFF
    'Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:' for to serve
    bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come
    off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to
    surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged
    chambers bravely,--

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never
    meet but you fall to some discord: you are both,
    i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you
    cannot one bear with another's confirmities. What
    the good-year! one must bear, and that must be
    you: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, the
    emptier vessel.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
    hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of
    Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk
    better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends
    with thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; and
    whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is
    nobody cares.

    Re-enter First Drawer

    First Drawer
    Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak with
    you.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come
    hither: it is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my
    faith; I must live among my neighbours: I'll no
    swaggerers: I am in good name and fame with the
    very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers
    here: I have not lived all this while, to have
    swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.

    FALSTAFF
    Dost thou hear, hostess?

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes no
    swaggerers here.

    FALSTAFF
    Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient
    swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master
    Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said to
    me, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I'
    good faith, neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master
    Dumbe, our minister, was by then; 'neighbour
    Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil;
    for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a'
    said so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'you
    are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore
    take heed what guests you receive: receive,' says
    he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none
    here: you would bless you to hear what he said:
    no, I'll no swaggerers.

    FALSTAFF
    He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i'
    faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy
    greyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if
    her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.
    Call him up, drawer.

    Exit First Drawer

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my
    house, nor no cheater: but I do not love
    swaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when one
    says swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you,
    I warrant you.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    So you do, hostess.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen
    leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.

    Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page

    PISTOL
    God save you, Sir John!

    FALSTAFF
    Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge
    you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.

    PISTOL
    I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.

    FALSTAFF
    She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend
    her.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll
    drink no more than will do me good, for no man's
    pleasure, I.

    PISTOL
    Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What!
    you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen
    mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for
    your master.

    PISTOL
    I know you, Mistress Dorothy.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!
    by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy
    chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,
    you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale
    juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's
    light, with two points on your shoulder? much!

    PISTOL
    God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.

    FALSTAFF
    No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:
    discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou
    not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were
    of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for
    taking their names upon you before you have earned
    them. You a captain! you slave, for what? for
    tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a
    captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy
    stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's
    light, these villains will make the word as odious
    as the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent good
    word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains
    had need look to 't.

    BARDOLPH
    Pray thee, go down, good ancient.

    FALSTAFF
    Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

    PISTOL
    Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
    tear her: I'll be revenged of her.

    Page
    Pray thee, go down.

    PISTOL
    I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake,
    by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and
    tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I.
    Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not
    Hiren here?

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'
    faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.

    PISTOL
    These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses
    And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
    Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,
    Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,
    And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with
    King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
    Shall we fall foul for toys?

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.

    BARDOLPH
    Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon.

    PISTOL
    Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have we
    not Heren here?

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    O' my word, captain, there's none such here. What
    the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For
    God's sake, be quiet.

    PISTOL
    Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
    Come, give's some sack.
    'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.'
    Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:
    Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.

    Laying down his sword

    Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?

    FALSTAFF
    Pistol, I would be quiet.

    PISTOL
    Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seen
    the seven stars.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot
    endure such a fustian rascal.

    PISTOL
    Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags?

    FALSTAFF
    Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
    shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing,
    a' shall be nothing here.

    BARDOLPH
    Come, get you down stairs.

    PISTOL
    What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?

    Snatching up his sword

    Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!
    Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
    Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Here's goodly stuff toward!

    FALSTAFF
    Give me my rapier, boy.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.

    FALSTAFF
    Get you down stairs.

    Drawing, and driving PISTOL out

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping
    house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights.
    So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up
    your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.

    Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone.
    Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    He you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made a
    shrewd thrust at your belly.

    Re-enter BARDOLPH

    FALSTAFF
    Have you turned him out o' doors?

    BARDOLPH
    Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him,
    sir, i' the shoulder.

    FALSTAFF
    A rascal! to brave me!

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape,
    how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face;
    come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i'faith, I
    love thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,
    worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than
    the Nine Worthies: ah, villain!

    FALSTAFF
    A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost,
    I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.

    Enter Music

    Page
    The music is come, sir.

    FALSTAFF
    Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll.
    A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me
    like quicksilver.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church.
    Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,
    when wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foining
    o' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?

    Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised

    FALSTAFF
    Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;
    do not bid me remember mine end.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?

    FALSTAFF
    A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made a
    good pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    They say Poins has a good wit.

    FALSTAFF
    He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thick
    as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him
    than is in a mallet.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    Why does the prince love him so, then?

    FALSTAFF
    Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a'
    plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,
    and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, and
    rides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps upon
    joined-stools, and swears with a good grace, and
    wears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of
    the leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
    stories; and such other gambol faculties a' has,
    that show a weak mind and an able body, for the
    which the prince admits him: for the prince himself
    is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the
    scales between their avoirdupois.

    PRINCE HENRY
    Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?

    POINS
    Let's beat him before his whore.

    PRINCE HENRY
    Look, whether the withered elder hath not his poll
    clawed like a parrot.

    POINS
    Is it not strange that desire should so many years
    outlive performance?

    FALSTAFF
    Kiss me, Doll.

    PRINCE HENRY
    Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what
    says the almanac to that?

    POINS
    And look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
    lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,
    his counsel-keeper.

    FALSTAFF
    Thou dost give me flattering busses.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

    FALSTAFF
    I am old, I am old.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young
    boy of them all.

    FALSTAFF
    What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive
    money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A
    merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed.
    Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou
    sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome
    till thy return: well, harken at the end.

    FALSTAFF
    Some sack, Francis.

    PRINCE HENRY POINS
    Anon, anon, sir.

    Coming forward

    FALSTAFF
    Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou
    Poins his brother?

    PRINCE HENRY
    Why, thou globe of sinful continents! what a life
    dost thou lead!

    FALSTAFF
    A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer.

    PRINCE HENRY
    Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth,
    welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweet
    face of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales?

    FALSTAFF
    Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light
    flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    How, you fat fool! I scorn you.

    POINS
    My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and
    turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

    PRINCE HENRY
    You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you
    speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,
    civil gentlewoman!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is,
    by my troth.

    FALSTAFF
    Didst thou hear me?

    PRINCE HENRY
    Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran away
    by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and
    spoke it on purpose to try my patience.

    FALSTAFF
    No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.

    PRINCE HENRY
    I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse;
    and then I know how to handle you.

    FALSTAFF
    No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour, no abuse.

    PRINCE HENRY
    Not to dispraise me, and call me pantier and
    bread-chipper and I know not what?

    FALSTAFF
    No abuse, Hal.

    POINS
    No abuse?

    FALSTAFF
    No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. I
    dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked
    might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I
    have done the part of a careful friend and a true
    subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.
    No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.

    PRINCE HENRY
    See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth
    not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to
    close with us? is she of the wicked? is thine
    hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the
    wicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his
    nose, of the wicked?

    POINS
    Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

    FALSTAFF
    The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable;
    and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he
    doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,
    there is a good angel about him; but the devil
    outbids him too.

    PRINCE HENRY
    For the women?

    FALSTAFF
    For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns
    poor souls. For the other, I owe her money, and
    whether she be damned for that, I know not.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    No, I warrant you.

    FALSTAFF
    No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for
    that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee,
    for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house,
    contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    All victuallers do so; what's a joint of mutton or
    two in a whole Lent?

    PRINCE HENRY
    You, gentlewoman,-

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    What says your grace?

    FALSTAFF
    His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

    Knocking within

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis.

    Enter PETO

    PRINCE HENRY
    Peto, how now! what news?

    PETO
    The king your father is at Westminster:
    And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
    Come from the north: and, as I came along,
    I met and overtook a dozen captains,
    Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
    And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.

    PRINCE HENRY
    By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,
    So idly to profane the precious time,
    When tempest of commotion, like the south
    Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
    And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.
    Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

    Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH

    FALSTAFF
    Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and
    we must hence and leave it unpicked.

    Knocking within

    More knocking at the door!

    Re-enter BARDOLPH

    How now! what's the matter?

    BARDOLPH
    You must away to court, sir, presently;
    A dozen captains stay at door for you.

    FALSTAFF
    [To the Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell,
    hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches,
    how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver
    may sleep, when the man of action is called on.
    Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post,
    I will see you again ere I go.

    DOLL TEARSHEET
    I cannot speak; if my heart be not read to burst,--
    well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

    FALSTAFF
    Farewell, farewell.

    Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these
    twenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an
    honester and truer-hearted man,--well, fare thee well.

    BARDOLPH
    [Within] Mistress Tearsheet!

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    What's the matter?

    BARDOLPH
    [Within] Good Mistress Tearsheet, come to my master.

    MISTRESS QUICKLY
    O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come.

    She comes blubbered

    Yea, will you come, Doll?

    Exeunt
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