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    Act 2, Scene II

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    Chapter 5
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    SCENE II. Rousillon. The COUNT's palace.

    Enter COUNTESS and Clown
    COUNTESS
    Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of
    your breeding.

    Clown
    I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I
    know my business is but to the court.

    COUNTESS
    To the court! why, what place make you special,
    when you put off that with such contempt? But to the court!

    Clown
    Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he
    may easily put it off at court: he that cannot make
    a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing,
    has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed
    such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the
    court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all
    men.

    COUNTESS
    Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all
    questions.

    Clown
    It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,
    the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn
    buttock, or any buttock.

    COUNTESS
    Will your answer serve fit to all questions?

    Clown
    As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,
    as your French crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's
    rush for Tom's forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove
    Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his
    hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen
    to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the
    friar's mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.

    COUNTESS
    Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all
    questions?

    Clown
    From below your duke to beneath your constable, it
    will fit any question.

    COUNTESS
    It must be an answer of most monstrous size that
    must fit all demands.

    Clown
    But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned
    should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that
    belongs to't. Ask me if I am a courtier: it shall
    do you no harm to learn.

    COUNTESS
    To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in
    question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I
    pray you, sir, are you a courtier?

    Clown
    O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,
    more, a hundred of them.

    COUNTESS
    Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.

    Clown
    O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.

    COUNTESS
    I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.

    Clown
    O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.

    COUNTESS
    You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.

    Clown
    O Lord, sir! spare not me.

    COUNTESS
    Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and
    'spare not me?' Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very
    sequent to your whipping: you would answer very well
    to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.

    Clown
    I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,
    sir!' I see things may serve long, but not serve ever.

    COUNTESS
    I play the noble housewife with the time
    To entertain't so merrily with a fool.

    Clown
    O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.

    COUNTESS
    An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,
    And urge her to a present answer back:
    Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:
    This is not much.

    Clown
    Not much commendation to them.

    COUNTESS
    Not much employment for you: you understand me?

    Clown
    Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.

    COUNTESS
    Haste you again.

    Exeunt severally
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