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    Act 3, Scene III

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    Chapter 13
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    SCENE III. The forest.

    Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY; JAQUES behind
    TOUCHSTONE
    Come apace, good Audrey: I will fetch up your
    goats, Audrey. And how, Audrey? am I the man yet?
    doth my simple feature content you?

    AUDREY
    Your features! Lord warrant us! what features!

    TOUCHSTONE
    I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most
    capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths.

    JAQUES
    [Aside] O knowledge ill-inhabited, worse than Jove
    in a thatched house!

    TOUCHSTONE
    When a man's verses cannot be understood, nor a
    man's good wit seconded with the forward child
    Understanding, it strikes a man more dead than a
    great reckoning in a little room. Truly, I would
    the gods had made thee poetical.

    AUDREY
    I do not know what 'poetical' is: is it honest in
    deed and word? is it a true thing?

    TOUCHSTONE
    No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most
    feigning; and lovers are given to poetry, and what
    they swear in poetry may be said as lovers they do feign.

    AUDREY
    Do you wish then that the gods had made me poetical?

    TOUCHSTONE
    I do, truly; for thou swearest to me thou art
    honest: now, if thou wert a poet, I might have some
    hope thou didst feign.

    AUDREY
    Would you not have me honest?

    TOUCHSTONE
    No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favoured; for
    honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.

    JAQUES
    [Aside] A material fool!

    AUDREY
    Well, I am not fair; and therefore I pray the gods
    make me honest.

    TOUCHSTONE
    Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut
    were to put good meat into an unclean dish.

    AUDREY
    I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.

    TOUCHSTONE
    Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness!
    sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may
    be, I will marry thee, and to that end I have been
    with Sir Oliver Martext, the vicar of the next
    village, who hath promised to meet me in this place
    of the forest and to couple us.

    JAQUES
    [Aside] I would fain see this meeting.

    AUDREY
    Well, the gods give us joy!

    TOUCHSTONE
    Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart,
    stagger in this attempt; for here we have no temple
    but the wood, no assembly but horn-beasts. But what
    though? C ourage! As horns are odious, they are
    necessary. It is said, 'many a man knows no end of
    his goods:' right; many a man has good horns, and
    knows no end of them. Well, that is the dowry of
    his wife; 'tis none of his own getting. Horns?
    Even so. Poor men alone? No, no; the noblest deer
    hath them as huge as the rascal. Is the single man
    therefore blessed? No: as a walled town is more
    worthier than a village, so is the forehead of a
    married man more honourable than the bare brow of a
    bachelor; and by how much defence is better than no
    skill, by so much is a horn more precious than to
    want. Here comes Sir Oliver.

    Enter SIR OLIVER MARTEXT

    Sir Oliver Martext, you are well met: will you
    dispatch us here under this tree, or shall we go
    with you to your chapel?

    SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
    Is there none here to give the woman?

    TOUCHSTONE
    I will not take her on gift of any man.

    SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
    Truly, she must be given, or the marriage is not lawful.

    JAQUES
    [Advancing]
    Proceed, proceed I'll give her.

    TOUCHSTONE
    Good even, good Master What-ye-call't: how do you,
    sir? You are very well met: God 'ild you for your
    last company: I am very glad to see you: even a
    toy in hand here, sir: nay, pray be covered.

    JAQUES
    Will you be married, motley?

    TOUCHSTONE
    As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb and
    the falcon her bells, so man hath his desires; and
    as pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling.

    JAQUES
    And will you, being a man of your breeding, be
    married under a bush like a beggar? Get you to
    church, and have a good priest that can tell you
    what marriage is: this fellow will but join you
    together as they join wainscot; then one of you will
    prove a shrunk panel and, like green timber, warp, warp.

    TOUCHSTONE
    [Aside] I am not in the mind but I were better to be
    married of him than of another: for he is not like
    to marry me well; and not being well married, it
    will be a good excuse for me hereafter to leave my wife.

    JAQUES
    Go thou with me, and let me counsel thee.

    TOUCHSTONE
    'Come, sweet Audrey:
    We must be married, or we must live in bawdry.
    Farewell, good Master Oliver: not,--
    O sweet Oliver,
    O brave Oliver,
    Leave me not behind thee: but,--
    Wind away,
    Begone, I say,
    I will not to wedding with thee.

    Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY

    SIR OLIVER MARTEXT
    'Tis no matter: ne'er a fantastical knave of them
    all shall flout me out of my calling.

    Exit
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