Act 3, Scene V

SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.

Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say,--

BARDOLPH
Here, sir.

FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.

Exit BARDOLPH

Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a
barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,
I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give
them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues
slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,
fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size
that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the
bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells
a man; and what a thing should I have been when I
had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack

BARDOLPH
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

FALSTAFF
Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my
belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for
pills to cool the reins. Call her in.

BARDOLPH
Come in, woman!

Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship
good morrow.

FALSTAFF
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of
sack finely.

BARDOLPH
With eggs, sir?

FALSTAFF
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.

Exit BARDOLPH

How now!

MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown
into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:
she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her
between eight and nine: I must carry her word
quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

FALSTAFF
Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
and then judge of my merit.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.

FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
Eight and nine, sir.

FALSTAFF
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace be with you,