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    Act 1, Scene II

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    Chapter 2
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    SCENE II. The Same. A street.

    Enter CRESSIDA and ALEXANDER
    CRESSIDA
    Who were those went by?

    ALEXANDER
    Queen Hecuba and Helen.

    CRESSIDA
    And whither go they?

    ALEXANDER
    Up to the eastern tower,
    Whose height commands as subject all the vale,
    To see the battle. Hector, whose patience
    Is, as a virtue, fix'd, to-day was moved:
    He chid Andromache and struck his armourer,
    And, like as there were husbandry in war,
    Before the sun rose he was harness'd light,
    And to the field goes he; where every flower
    Did, as a prophet, weep what it foresaw
    In Hector's wrath.

    CRESSIDA
    What was his cause of anger?

    ALEXANDER
    The noise goes, this: there is among the Greeks
    A lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector;
    They call him Ajax.

    CRESSIDA
    Good; and what of him?

    ALEXANDER
    They say he is a very man per se,
    And stands alone.

    CRESSIDA
    So do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs.

    ALEXANDER
    This man, lady, hath robbed many beasts of their
    particular additions; he is as valiant as the lion,
    churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant: a man
    into whom nature hath so crowded humours that his
    valour is crushed into folly, his folly sauced with
    discretion: there is no man hath a virtue that he
    hath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but he
    carries some stain of it: he is melancholy without
    cause, and merry against the hair: he hath the
    joints of every thing, but everything so out of joint
    that he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and no use,
    or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.

    CRESSIDA
    But how should this man, that makes
    me smile, make Hector angry?

    ALEXANDER
    They say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle and
    struck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hath
    ever since kept Hector fasting and waking.

    CRESSIDA
    Who comes here?

    ALEXANDER
    Madam, your uncle Pandarus.

    Enter PANDARUS

    CRESSIDA
    Hector's a gallant man.

    ALEXANDER
    As may be in the world, lady.

    PANDARUS
    What's that? what's that?

    CRESSIDA
    Good morrow, uncle Pandarus.

    PANDARUS
    Good morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of?
    Good morrow, Alexander. How do you, cousin? When
    were you at Ilium?

    CRESSIDA
    This morning, uncle.

    PANDARUS
    What were you talking of when I came? Was Hector
    armed and gone ere ye came to Ilium? Helen was not
    up, was she?

    CRESSIDA
    Hector was gone, but Helen was not up.

    PANDARUS
    Even so: Hector was stirring early.

    CRESSIDA
    That were we talking of, and of his anger.

    PANDARUS
    Was he angry?

    CRESSIDA
    So he says here.

    PANDARUS
    True, he was so: I know the cause too: he'll lay
    about him to-day, I can tell them that: and there's
    Troilus will not come far behind him: let them take
    heed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.

    CRESSIDA
    What, is he angry too?

    PANDARUS
    Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.

    CRESSIDA
    O Jupiter! there's no comparison.

    PANDARUS
    What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know a
    man if you see him?

    CRESSIDA
    Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him.

    PANDARUS
    Well, I say Troilus is Troilus.

    CRESSIDA
    Then you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector.

    PANDARUS
    No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.

    CRESSIDA
    'Tis just to each of them; he is himself.

    PANDARUS
    Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were.

    CRESSIDA
    So he is.

    PANDARUS
    Condition, I had gone barefoot to India.

    CRESSIDA
    He is not Hector.

    PANDARUS
    Himself! no, he's not himself: would a' were
    himself! Well, the gods are above; time must friend
    or end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart were
    in her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.

    CRESSIDA
    Excuse me.

    PANDARUS
    He is elder.

    CRESSIDA
    Pardon me, pardon me.

    PANDARUS
    Th' other's not come to't; you shall tell me another
    tale, when th' other's come to't. Hector shall not
    have his wit this year.

    CRESSIDA
    He shall not need it, if he have his own.

    PANDARUS
    Nor his qualities.

    CRESSIDA
    No matter.

    PANDARUS
    Nor his beauty.

    CRESSIDA
    'Twould not become him; his own's better.

    PANDARUS
    You have no judgment, niece: Helen
    herself swore th' other day, that Troilus, for
    a brown favour--for so 'tis, I must confess,--
    not brown neither,--

    CRESSIDA
    No, but brown.

    PANDARUS
    'Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.

    CRESSIDA
    To say the truth, true and not true.

    PANDARUS
    She praised his complexion above Paris.

    CRESSIDA
    Why, Paris hath colour enough.

    PANDARUS
    So he has.

    CRESSIDA
    Then Troilus should have too much: if she praised
    him above, his complexion is higher than his; he
    having colour enough, and the other higher, is too
    flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as
    lief Helen's golden tongue had commended Troilus for
    a copper nose.

    PANDARUS
    I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris.

    CRESSIDA
    Then she's a merry Greek indeed.

    PANDARUS
    Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th' other
    day into the compassed window,--and, you know, he
    has not past three or four hairs on his chin,--

    CRESSIDA
    Indeed, a tapster's arithmetic may soon bring his
    particulars therein to a total.

    PANDARUS
    Why, he is very young: and yet will he, within
    three pound, lift as much as his brother Hector.

    CRESSIDA
    Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?

    PANDARUS
    But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came
    and puts me her white hand to his cloven chin--

    CRESSIDA
    Juno have mercy! how came it cloven?

    PANDARUS
    Why, you know 'tis dimpled: I think his smiling
    becomes him better than any man in all Phrygia.

    CRESSIDA
    O, he smiles valiantly.

    PANDARUS
    Does he not?

    CRESSIDA
    O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn.

    PANDARUS
    Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen
    loves Troilus,--

    CRESSIDA
    Troilus will stand to the proof, if you'll
    prove it so.

    PANDARUS
    Troilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteem
    an addle egg.

    CRESSIDA
    If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle
    head, you would eat chickens i' the shell.

    PANDARUS
    I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickled
    his chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, I
    must needs confess,--

    CRESSIDA
    Without the rack.

    PANDARUS
    And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.

    CRESSIDA
    Alas, poor chin! many a wart is richer.

    PANDARUS
    But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughed
    that her eyes ran o'er.

    CRESSIDA
    With mill-stones.

    PANDARUS
    And Cassandra laughed.

    CRESSIDA
    But there was more temperate fire under the pot of
    her eyes: did her eyes run o'er too?

    PANDARUS
    And Hector laughed.

    CRESSIDA
    At what was all this laughing?

    PANDARUS
    Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus' chin.

    CRESSIDA
    An't had been a green hair, I should have laughed
    too.

    PANDARUS
    They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.

    CRESSIDA
    What was his answer?

    PANDARUS
    Quoth she, 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your
    chin, and one of them is white.

    CRESSIDA
    This is her question.

    PANDARUS
    That's true; make no question of that. 'Two and
    fifty hairs' quoth he, 'and one white: that white
    hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.'
    'Jupiter!' quoth she, 'which of these hairs is Paris,
    my husband? 'The forked one,' quoth he, 'pluck't
    out, and give it him.' But there was such laughing!
    and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the
    rest so laughed, that it passed.

    CRESSIDA
    So let it now; for it has been while going by.

    PANDARUS
    Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on't.

    CRESSIDA
    So I do.

    PANDARUS
    I'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, an 'twere
    a man born in April.

    CRESSIDA
    And I'll spring up in his tears, an 'twere a nettle
    against May.

    A retreat sounded

    PANDARUS
    Hark! they are coming from the field: shall we
    stand up here, and see them as they pass toward
    Ilium? good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.

    CRESSIDA
    At your pleasure.

    PANDARUS
    Here, here, here's an excellent place; here we may
    see most bravely: I'll tell you them all by their
    names as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest.

    CRESSIDA
    Speak not so loud.

    AENEAS passes

    PANDARUS
    That's AEneas: is not that a brave man? he's one of
    the flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but mark
    Troilus; you shall see anon.

    ANTENOR passes

    CRESSIDA
    Who's that?

    PANDARUS
    That's Antenor: he has a shrewd wit, I can tell you;
    and he's a man good enough, he's one o' the soundest
    judgments in whosoever, and a proper man of person.
    When comes Troilus? I'll show you Troilus anon: if
    he see me, you shall see him nod at me.

    CRESSIDA
    Will he give you the nod?

    PANDARUS
    You shall see.

    CRESSIDA
    If he do, the rich shall have more.

    HECTOR passes

    PANDARUS
    That's Hector, that, that, look you, that; there's a
    fellow! Go thy way, Hector! There's a brave man,
    niece. O brave Hector! Look how he looks! there's
    a countenance! is't not a brave man?

    CRESSIDA
    O, a brave man!

    PANDARUS
    Is a' not? it does a man's heart good. Look you
    what hacks are on his helmet! look you yonder, do
    you see? look you there: there's no jesting;
    there's laying on, take't off who will, as they say:
    there be hacks!

    CRESSIDA
    Be those with swords?

    PANDARUS
    Swords! any thing, he cares not; an the devil come
    to him, it's all one: by God's lid, it does one's
    heart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.

    PARIS passes

    Look ye yonder, niece; is't not a gallant man too,
    is't not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he came
    hurt home to-day? he's not hurt: why, this will do
    Helen's heart good now, ha! Would I could see
    Troilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.

    HELENUS passes

    CRESSIDA
    Who's that?

    PANDARUS
    That's Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That's
    Helenus. I think he went not forth to-day. That's Helenus.

    CRESSIDA
    Can Helenus fight, uncle?

    PANDARUS
    Helenus? no. Yes, he'll fight indifferent well. I
    marvel where Troilus is. Hark! do you not hear the
    people cry 'Troilus'? Helenus is a priest.

    CRESSIDA
    What sneaking fellow comes yonder?

    TROILUS passes

    PANDARUS
    Where? yonder? that's Deiphobus. 'Tis Troilus!
    there's a man, niece! Hem! Brave Troilus! the
    prince of chivalry!

    CRESSIDA
    Peace, for shame, peace!

    PANDARUS
    Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well upon
    him, niece: look you how his sword is bloodied, and
    his helm more hacked than Hector's, and how he looks,
    and how he goes! O admirable youth! he ne'er saw
    three and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way!
    Had I a sister were a grace, or a daughter a goddess,
    he should take his choice. O admirable man! Paris?
    Paris is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, to
    change, would give an eye to boot.

    CRESSIDA
    Here come more.

    Forces pass

    PANDARUS
    Asses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran!
    porridge after meat! I could live and die i' the
    eyes of Troilus. Ne'er look, ne'er look: the eagles
    are gone: crows and daws, crows and daws! I had
    rather be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon and
    all Greece.

    CRESSIDA
    There is among the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus.

    PANDARUS
    Achilles! a drayman, a porter, a very camel.

    CRESSIDA
    Well, well.

    PANDARUS
    'Well, well!' why, have you any discretion? have
    you any eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is not
    birth, beauty, good shape, discourse, manhood,
    learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality,
    and such like, the spice and salt that season a man?

    CRESSIDA
    Ay, a minced man: and then to be baked with no date
    in the pie, for then the man's date's out.

    PANDARUS
    You are such a woman! one knows not at what ward you
    lie.

    CRESSIDA
    Upon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, to
    defend my wiles; upon my secrecy, to defend mine
    honesty; my mask, to defend my beauty; and you, to
    defend all these: and at all these wards I lie, at a
    thousand watches.

    PANDARUS
    Say one of your watches.

    CRESSIDA
    Nay, I'll watch you for that; and that's one of the
    chiefest of them too: if I cannot ward what I would
    not have hit, I can watch you for telling how I took
    the blow; unless it swell past hiding, and then it's
    past watching.

    PANDARUS
    You are such another!

    Enter Troilus's Boy

    Boy
    Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you.

    PANDARUS
    Where?

    Boy
    At your own house; there he unarms him.

    PANDARUS
    Good boy, tell him I come.

    Exit boy

    I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye well, good niece.

    CRESSIDA
    Adieu, uncle.

    PANDARUS
    I'll be with you, niece, by and by.

    CRESSIDA
    To bring, uncle?

    PANDARUS
    Ay, a token from Troilus.

    CRESSIDA
    By the same token, you are a bawd.

    Exit PANDARUS

    Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love's full sacrifice,
    He offers in another's enterprise;
    But more in Troilus thousand fold I see
    Than in the glass of Pandar's praise may be;
    Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing:
    Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.
    That she beloved knows nought that knows not this:
    Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is:
    That she was never yet that ever knew
    Love got so sweet as when desire did sue.
    Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:
    Achievement is command; ungain'd, beseech:
    Then though my heart's content firm love doth bear,
    Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.

    Exeunt
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