Act 2, Scene III

SCENE III. The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.

Enter THERSITES, solus
THERSITES
How now, Thersites! what lost in the labyrinth of
thy fury! Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He
beats me, and I rail at him: O, worthy satisfaction!
would it were otherwise; that I could beat him,
whilst he railed at me. 'Sfoot, I'll learn to
conjure and raise devils, but I'll see some issue of
my spiteful execrations. Then there's Achilles, a
rare enginer! If Troy be not taken till these two
undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of
themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus,
forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods and,
Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy
caduceus, if ye take not that little, little less
than little wit from them that they have! which
short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant
scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly
from a spider, without drawing their massy irons and
cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the
whole camp! or rather, the bone-ache! for that,
methinks, is the curse dependent on those that war
for a placket. I have said my prayers and devil Envy
say Amen. What ho! my Lord Achilles!

Enter PATROCLUS

PATROCLUS
Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail.

THERSITES
If I could have remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou
wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation: but
it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common
curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in
great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and
discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy
direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee
out says thou art a fair corse, I'll be sworn and
sworn upon't she never shrouded any but lazars.
Amen. Where's Achilles?

PATROCLUS
What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer?

THERSITES
Ay: the heavens hear me!

Enter ACHILLES

ACHILLES
Who's there?

PATROCLUS
Thersites, my lord.

ACHILLES
Where, where? Art thou come? why, my cheese, my
digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to
my table so many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?

THERSITES
Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus,
what's Achilles?

PATROCLUS
Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee,
what's thyself?

THERSITES
Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus,
what art thou?

PATROCLUS
Thou mayst tell that knowest.

ACHILLES
O, tell, tell.

THERSITES
I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands
Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus'
knower, and Patroclus is a fool.