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    Act 1, Scene III

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    SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.

    Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
    SIR TOBY BELCH
    What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
    her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

    MARIA
    By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
    nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
    exceptions to your ill hours.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Why, let her except, before excepted.

    MARIA
    Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
    limits of order.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
    these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
    these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
    themselves in their own straps.

    MARIA
    That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
    my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
    knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

    MARIA
    Ay, he.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

    MARIA
    What's that to the purpose?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

    MARIA
    Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
    he's a very fool and a prodigal.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
    viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
    word for word without book, and hath all the good
    gifts of nature.

    MARIA
    He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
    he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
    he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
    hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
    he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
    that say so of him. Who are they?

    MARIA
    They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
    her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
    drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
    that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
    o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
    Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

    Enter SIR ANDREW

    SIR ANDREW
    Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Sweet Sir Andrew!

    SIR ANDREW
    Bless you, fair shrew.

    MARIA
    And you too, sir.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

    SIR ANDREW
    What's that?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    My niece's chambermaid.

    SIR ANDREW
    Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

    MARIA
    My name is Mary, sir.

    SIR ANDREW
    Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
    her, woo her, assail her.

    SIR ANDREW
    By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
    company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

    MARIA
    Fare you well, gentlemen.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
    never draw sword again.

    SIR ANDREW
    An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
    draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
    fools in hand?

    MARIA
    Sir, I have not you by the hand.

    SIR ANDREW
    Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

    MARIA
    Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
    your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

    SIR ANDREW
    Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?

    MARIA
    It's dry, sir.

    SIR ANDREW
    Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
    keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

    MARIA
    A dry jest, sir.

    SIR ANDREW
    Are you full of them?

    MARIA
    Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
    now I let go your hand, I am barren.

    Exit

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
    see thee so put down?

    SIR ANDREW
    Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
    put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
    than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
    great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    No question.

    SIR ANDREW
    An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
    to-morrow, Sir Toby.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Pourquoi, my dear knight?

    SIR ANDREW
    What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
    bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
    fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
    followed the arts!

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

    SIR ANDREW
    Why, would that have mended my hair?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

    SIR ANDREW
    But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
    hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
    and spin it off.

    SIR ANDREW
    Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
    will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
    she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
    her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
    have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
    man.

    SIR ANDREW
    I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
    strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
    and revels sometimes altogether.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

    SIR ANDREW
    As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
    degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
    with an old man.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

    SIR ANDREW
    Faith, I can cut a caper.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    And I can cut the mutton to't.

    SIR ANDREW
    And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
    as any man in Illyria.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
    these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
    take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
    thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
    a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
    so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
    dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
    I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
    leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

    SIR ANDREW
    Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
    flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

    SIR ANDREW
    Taurus! That's sides and heart.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
    caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!

    Exeunt
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