Act 1, Scene V

SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.

Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

Clown
Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
world needs to fear no colours.

MARIA
Make that good.

Clown
He shall see none to fear.

MARIA
A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'

Clown
Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA
In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

Clown
Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those
that are fools, let them use their talents.

MARIA
Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

Clown
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
for turning away, let summer bear it out.

MARIA
You are resolute, then?

Clown
Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA
That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
break, your gaskins fall.

Clown
Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

Exit

Clown
Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'

Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO

God bless thee, lady!

OLIVIA
Take the fool away.

Clown
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
besides, you grow dishonest.

Clown
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
that's mended is but patched: virtue that
transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.

Clown
Misprision in the highest degree! Lady,