Act 3, Scene I

SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour
VIOLA
Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by
thy tabour?

Clown
No, sir, I live by the church.

VIOLA
Art thou a churchman?

Clown
No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for
I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by
the church.

VIOLA
So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a
beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy
tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.

Clown
You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is
but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the
wrong side may be turned outward!

VIOLA
Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with
words may quickly make them wanton.

Clown
I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.

VIOLA
Why, man?

Clown
Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that
word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words
are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.

VIOLA
Thy reason, man?

Clown
Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and
words are grown so false, I am loath to prove
reason with them.

VIOLA
I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.

Clown
Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my
conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be
to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

VIOLA
Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

Clown
No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she
will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and
fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to
herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not
her fool, but her corrupter of words.

VIOLA
I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

Clown
Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun,
it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but
the fool should be as oft with your master as with
my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

VIOLA
Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.
Hold, there's expenses for thee.

Clown
Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!

VIOLA
By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for
one;

Aside

though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy
lady within?

Clown
Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

VIOLA
Yes, being kept together and put to use.

Clown
I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring
a Cressida to this Troilus.

VIOLA
I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.

Clown
The matter, I