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    Act 3, Scene II

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    Chapter 12
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    SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.

    Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
    SIR ANDREW
    No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

    FABIAN
    You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

    SIR ANDREW
    Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
    count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;
    I saw't i' the orchard.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

    SIR ANDREW
    As plain as I see you now.

    FABIAN
    This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

    SIR ANDREW
    'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?

    FABIAN
    I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
    judgment and reason.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah
    was a sailor.

    FABIAN
    She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
    to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
    put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
    You should then have accosted her; and with some
    excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
    have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
    looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
    double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash
    off, and you are now sailed into the north of my
    lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
    on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by
    some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

    SIR ANDREW
    An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy
    I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a
    politician.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
    valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
    with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
    take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
    love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
    commendation with woman than report of valour.

    FABIAN
    There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

    SIR ANDREW
    Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
    it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
    of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
    if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
    amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
    paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
    bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.
    Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou
    write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

    SIR ANDREW
    Where shall I find you?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.

    Exit SIR ANDREW

    FABIAN
    This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand
    strong, or so.

    FABIAN
    We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll
    not deliver't?

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
    youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
    cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
    opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
    will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of
    the anatomy.

    FABIAN
    And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no
    great presage of cruelty.

    Enter MARIA

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

    MARIA
    If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
    into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is
    turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
    Christian, that means to be saved by believing
    rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
    of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    And cross-gartered?

    MARIA
    Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school
    i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
    murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
    that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
    face into more lines than is in the new map with the
    augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
    a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
    at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
    he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

    SIR TOBY BELCH
    Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

    Exeunt
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