Act III - Page 2

A phonetic job.

MRSX HIGGINS
No use, dear. I'm sorry; but I cant get round your vowels; and though I like to get pretty postcards in your patent shorthand, I always have to read the copies in ordinary writing you so thoughtfully send me.

HIGGINS
Well, this isnt a phonetic job.

MRSX HIGGINS
You said it was.

HIGGINS
Not your part of it. Ive picked up a girl.

MRSX HIGGINS
Does that mean that some girl has picked you up?

HIGGINS
Not at all. I dont mean a love affair.

MRSX HIGGINS
What a pity!

HIGGINS
Why?

MRSX HIGGINS
Well, you never fall in love with anyone under forty-five. When will you discover that there are some rather nice-looking young women about?

HIGGINS
Oh, I cant be bothered with young women. My idea of a loveable woman is something as like you as possible. I shall never get into the way of seriously liking young women: some habits lie too deep to be changed. [Rising abruptly and walking about, jingling his money and his keys in his trouser pockets] Besides, theyre all idiots.

MRSX HIGGINS
Do you know what you would do if you really loved me, Henry?

HIGGINS
Oh bother! What? Marry, I suppose?

MRSX HIGGINS
No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands out of your pockets. [With a gesture of despair, he obeys and sits down again]. Thats a good boy. Now tell me about the girl.

HIGGINS
She coming to see you.

MRSX HIGGINS
I dont remember asking her.

HIGGINS
You didnt. I asked her. If youd known her you wouldnt have asked her.

MRSX HIGGINS
Indeed! Why?

HIGGINS
Well, it's like this. Shes a common flower girl. I picked her off the kerbstone.

MRSX HIGGINS
And invited her to my at-home!

HIGGINS
[rising and coming to her to coax her] Oh, thatll be all right. Ive taught her to speak properly; and she has strict orders as to her behavior. Shes to keep to two subjects: the weather and everybody's health--Fine day and How do you do, you know--and not to let herself go on things in general. That will be safe.

MRSX HIGGINS
Safe! To talk about our health! about our insides! perhaps about our outsides! How could you be so silly, Henry?

HIGGINS
[impatiently] Well, she must talk about something. [He controls himself and sits down again]. Oh, she'll be all right: dont you fuss. Pickering is in it with me. Ive a sort of bet on that I'll pass her off as a duchess in six months. I started on her some months ago; and shes getting on like a house on fire. I shall win my bet. She has a quick ear; and shes been easier to teach than my middle-class pupils because shes had to learn a complete new language. She talks English almost as you talk French.

MRSX HIGGINS
Thats satisfactory, at all