Chapter 43

Chapter 43
The Art of Inhumation

ABOUT the same time, I encountered a man in the street,
whom I had not seen for six or seven years; and something
like this talk followed. I said--

'But you used to look sad and oldish; you don't now.
Where did you get all this youth and bubbling cheerfulness?
Give me the address.'

He chuckled blithely, took off his shining tile, pointed to a notched
pink circlet of paper pasted into its crown, with something lettered
on it, and went on chuckling while I read, 'J. B ----, UNDERTAKER.'
Then he clapped his hat on, gave it an irreverent tilt to leeward,
and cried out--

'That's what's the matter! It used to be rough times with me when you
knew me--insurance-agency business, you know; mighty irregular.
Big fire, all right--brisk trade for ten days while people scared;
after that, dull policy-business till next fire. Town like this don't
have fires often enough--a fellow strikes so many dull weeks in a row
that he gets discouraged. But you bet you, this is the business!
People don't wait for examples to die. No, sir, they drop off
right along--there ain't any dull spots in the undertaker line.
I just started in with two or three little old coffins and
a hired hearse, and now look at the thing! I've worked up
a business here that would satisfy any man, don't care who he is.
Five years ago, lodged in an attic; live in a swell house now,
with a mansard roof, and all the modern inconveniences.'

'Does a coffin pay so well. Is there much profit on a coffin?'

'Go-way! How you talk!' Then, with a confidential wink, a dropping
of the voice, and an impressive laying of his hand on my arm;
'Look here; there's one thing in this world which isn't ever cheap.
That's a coffin. There's one thing in this world which a person don't
ever try to jew you down on. That's a coffin. There's one thing
in this world which a person don't say--"I'll look around a little,
and if I find I can't do better I'll come back and take it."
That's a coffin. There's one thing in this world which a person
won't take in pine if he can go walnut; and won't take in walnut
if he can go mahogany; and won't take in mahogany if he can go an iron
casket with silver door-plate and bronze handles. That's a coffin.
And there's one thing in this world which you don't have to worry
around after a person to get him to pay for. And that's a coffin.
Undertaking?--why it's the dead-surest business in Christendom,
and the nobbiest.

'Why, just look at it. A rich man won't have anything but your very best;
and you can just pile it on, too--pile it on and sock it to him--he won't
ever holler. And you take in a poor man, and if you work him right he'll
bust himself on a single