Steven Wright Quotes

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?