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    Size and Tears

    by Lewis Carroll
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    When on the sandy shore I sit,
    Beside the salt sea-wave,
    And fall into a weeping fit
    Because I dare not shave -
    A little whisper at my ear
    Enquires the reason of my fear.

    I answer "If that ruffian Jones
    Should recognise me here,
    He'd bellow out my name in tones
    Offensive to the ear:
    He chaffs me so on being stout
    (A thing that always puts me out)."

    Ah me! I see him on the cliff!
    Farewell, farewell to hope,
    If he should look this way, and if
    He's got his telescope!
    To whatsoever place I flee,
    My odious rival follows me!

    For every night, and everywhere,
    I meet him out at dinner;
    And when I've found some charming fair,
    And vowed to die or win her,
    The wretch (he's thin and I am stout)
    Is sure to come and cut me out!

    The girls (just like them!) all agree
    To praise J. Jones, Esquire:
    I ask them what on earth they see
    About him to admire?
    They cry "He is so sleek and slim,
    It's quite a treat to look at him!"

    They vanish in tobacco smoke,
    Those visionary maids -
    I feel a sharp and sudden poke
    Between the shoulder-blades -
    "Why, Brown, my boy! Your growing stout!"
    (I told you he would find me out!)

    "My growth is not YOUR business, Sir!"
    "No more it is, my boy!
    But if it's YOURS, as I infer,
    Why, Brown, I give you joy!
    A man, whose business prospers so,
    Is just the sort of man to know!

    "It's hardly safe, though, talking here -
    I'd best get out of reach:
    For such a weight as yours, I fear,
    Must shortly sink the beach!" -
    Insult me thus because I'm stout!
    I vow I'll go and call him out!
    If you're writing a Size and Tears essay and need some advice, post your Lewis Carroll essay question on our Facebook page where fellow bookworms are always glad to help!

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