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    Loss of Breath

    by Edgar Allan Poe
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    O Breathe not, etc.
    -- Moore's Melodies

    THE MOST notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the untiring
    courage of philosophy -- as the most stubborn city to the ceaseless
    vigilance of an enemy. Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings,
    lay three years before Samaria; yet it fell. Sardanapalus -- see
    Diodorus -- maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but to no purpose.
    Troy expired at the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as
    Aristaeus declares upon his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her
    gates to Psammetichus, after having barred them for the fifth part of
    a century....

    "Thou wretch! -- thou vixen! -- thou shrew!" said I to my wife on the
    morning after our wedding; "thou witch! -- thou hag! -- thou
    whippersnapper -- thou sink of iniquity! -- thou fiery-faced
    quintessence of all that is abominable! -- thou -- thou-" here
    standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the throat, and placing my mouth
    close to her ear, I was preparing to launch forth a new and more
    decided epithet of opprobrium, which should not fail, if ejaculated,
    to convince her of her insignificance, when to my extreme horror and
    astonishment I discovered that I had lost my breath.

    The phrases "I am out of breath," "I have lost my breath," etc., are
    often enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never
    occurred to me that the terrible accident of which I speak could bona
    fide and actually happen! Imagine -- that is if you have a fanciful
    turn -- imagine, I say, my wonder -- my consternation -- my despair!

    There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted
    me. In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of
    propriety, et le chemin des passions me conduit -- as Lord Edouard in
    the "Julie" says it did him -- a la philosophie veritable.

    Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree the
    occurence had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal the
    matter from my wife, until further experience should discover to me
    the extent of this my unheard of calamity. Altering my countenance,
    therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed and distorted appearance,
    to an expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a
    pat on the one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one
    syllable (Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery,
    as I pirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.

    Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful
    instance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility --
    alive, with the qualifications of the dead -- dead, with the
    propensities of the living -- an anomaly on the face of the earth --
    being very calm, yet breathless.

    Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was
    entirely gone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my life
    had been at issue, or sullied even the delicacy of a mirror. Hard
    fate! -- yet there was some alleviation to the first overwhelming
    paroxysm of my sorrow. I found, upon trial, that the powers of
    utterance which, upon my inability to proceed in the conversation
    with my wife, I then concluded to be totally destroyed, were in fact
    only partially impeded, and I discovered that had I, at that
    interesting crisis, dropped my voice to a singularly deep guttural, I
    might still have continued to her the communication of my sentiments;
    this pitch of voice (the guttural) depending, I find, not upon the
    current of the breath, but upon a certain spasmodic action of the
    muscles of the throat.

    Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time absorbed in
    meditation. My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory kind. A
    thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies took possesion of my soul --
    and even the idea of suicide flitted across my brain; but it is a
    trait in the perversity of human nature to reject the obvious and the
    ready, for the far-distant and equivocal. Thus I shuddered at
    self-murder as the most decided of atrocities while the tabby cat
    purred strenuously upon the rug, and the very water dog wheezed
    assiduously under the table, each taking to itself much merit for the
    strength of its lungs, and all obviously done in derision of my own
    pulmonary incapacity.

    Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length heard
    the footsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being now assured
    of her absence, I returned with a palpitating heart to the scene of
    my disaster.

    Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigorous
    search. It was possible, I thought, that, concealed in some obscure
    corner, or lurking in some closet or drawer, might be found the lost
    object of my inquiry. It might have a vapory -- it might even have a
    tangible form. Most philosophers, upon many points of philosophy, are
    still very unphilosophical. William Godwin, however, says in his
    "Mandeville," that "invisible things are the only realities," and
    this, all will allow, is a case in point. I would have the judicious
    reader pause before accusing such asseverations of an undue quantum
    of absurdity. Anaxagoras, it will be remembered, maintained that snow

    is black, and this I have since found to be the case.

    Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation: but the
    contemptible reward of my industry and perseverance proved to be only
    a set of false teeth, two pair of hips, an eye, and a bundle of
    billets-doux from Mr. Windenough to my wife. I might as well here
    observe that this confirmation of my lady's partiality for Mr. W.
    occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath should admire
    anything so dissimilar to myself was a natural and necessary evil. I
    am, it is well known, of a robust and corpulent appearance, and at
    the same time somewhat diminutive in stature. What wonder, then, that
    the lath-like tenuity of my acquaintance, and his altitude, which has
    grown into a proverb, should have met with all due estimation in the
    eyes of Mrs. Lackobreath. But to return.

    My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet after
    closet -- drawer after drawer -- corner after corner -- were
    scrutinized to no purpose. At one time, however, I thought myself
    sure of my prize, having, in rummaging a dressing-case, accidentally
    demolished a bottle of Grandjean's Oil of Archangels -- which, as an
    agreeable perfume, I here take the liberty of recommending.

    With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir -- there to ponder upon
    some method of eluding my wife's penetration, until I could make
    arrangements prior to my leaving the country, for to this I had
    already made up my mind. In a foreign climate, being unknown, I
    might, with some probability of success, endeavor to conceal my
    unhappy calamity -- a calamity calculated, even more than beggary, to
    estrange the affections of the multitude, and to draw down upon the
    wretch the well-merited indignation of the virtuous and the happy. I
    was not long in hesitation. Being naturally quick, I committed to
    memory the entire tragedy of "Metamora." I had the good fortune to
    recollect that in the accentuation of this drama, or at least of such
    portion of it as is allotted to the hero, the tones of voice in which
    I found myself deficient were altogether unnecessary, and the deep
    guttural was expected to reign monotonously throughout.

    I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequented marsh;
    -- herein, however, having no reference to a similar proceeding of
    Demosthenes, but from a design peculiarly and conscientiously my own.
    Thus armed at all points, I determined to make my wife believe that I
    was suddenly smitten with a passion for the stage. In this, I
    succeeded to a miracle; and to every question or suggestion found
    myself at liberty to reply in my most frog-like and sepulchral tones
    with some passage from the tragedy -- any portion of which, as I soon
    took great pleasure in observing, would apply equally well to any
    particular subject. It is not to be supposed, however, that in the
    delivery of such passages I was found at all deficient in the looking
    asquint -- the showing my teeth -- the working my knees -- the
    shuffling my feet -- or in any of those unmentionable graces which
    are now justly considered the characteristics of a popular performer.
    To be sure they spoke of confining me in a strait-jacket -- but, good
    God! they never suspected me of having lost my breath.

    Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very early
    one morning in the mail stage for --, giving it to be understood,
    among my acquaintances, that business of the last importance required
    my immediate personal attendance in that city.

    The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight the
    features of my companions could not be distinguished. Without making
    any effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be placed between two
    gentlemen of colossal dimensions; while a third, of a size larger,
    requesting pardon for the liberty he was about to take, threw himself
    upon my body at full length, and falling asleep in an instant,
    drowned all my guttural ejaculations for relief, in a snore which
    would have put to blush the roarings of the bull of Phalaris. Happily
    the state of my respiratory faculties rendered suffocation an
    accident entirely out of the question.

    As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to the
    outskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting his
    shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my civility.
    Seeing that I remained motionless (all my limbs were dislocated and
    my head twisted on one side), his apprehensions began to be excited;
    and arousing the rest of the passengers, he communicated, in a very
    decided manner, his opinion that a dead man had been palmed upon them
    during the night for a living and responsible fellow-traveller; here
    giving me a thump on the right eye, by way of demonstrating the truth
    of his suggestion.

    Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company),
    believed it their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising
    physician, too, having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and found
    me without breath, the assertion of my persecutor was pronounced a
    true bill; and the whole party expressed a determination to endure
    tamely no such impositions for the future, and to proceed no farther
    with any such carcasses for the present.

    I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the "Crow" (by
    which tavern the coach happened to be passing), without meeting with
    any farther accident than the breaking of both my arms, under the
    left hind wheel of the vehicle. I must besides do the driver the
    justice to state that he did not forget to throw after me the largest
    of my trunks, which, unfortunately falling on my head, fractured my
    skull in a manner at once interesting and extraordinary.

    The landlord of the "Crow," who is a hospitable man, finding that my
    trunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little trouble he
    might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon of his
    acquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and receipt
    for ten dollars.

    The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operations
    immediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs of
    animation. He now rang the bell, and sent for a neighboring
    apothecary with whom to consult in the emergency. In case of his
    suspicions with regard to my existence proving ultimately correct,
    he, in the meantime, made an incision in my stomach, and removed
    several of my viscera for private dissection.

    The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea I
    endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all my might, and
    making the most furious contortions -- for the operations of the
    surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to the possession of my
    faculties. All, however, was attributed to the effects of a new
    galvanic battery, wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man of
    information, performed several curious experiments, in which, from my
    personal share in their fulfillment, I could not help feeling deeply
    interested. It was a course of mortification to me, nevertheless,
    that although I made several attempts at conversation, my powers of
    speech were so entirely in abeyance, that I could not even open my
    mouth; much less, then, make reply to some ingenious but fanciful
    theories of which, under other circumstances, my minute acquaintance
    with the Hippocratian pathology would have afforded me a ready
    confutation.

    Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners remanded
    me for farther examination. I was taken up into a garret; and the
    surgeon's lady having accommodated me with drawers and stockings, the
    surgeon himself fastened my hands, and tied up my jaws with a
    pocket-handkerchief -- then bolted the door on the outside as he
    hurried to his dinner, leaving me alone to silence and to meditation.

    I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken had
    not my mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief. Consoling
    myself with this reflection, I was mentally repeating some passages
    of the "Omnipresence of the Deity," as is my custom before resigning
    myself to sleep, when two cats, of a greedy and vituperative turn,
    entering at a hole in the wall, leaped up with a flourish a la
    Catalani, and alighting opposite one another on my visage, betook
    themselves to indecorous contention for the paltry consideration of
    my nose.

    But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the
    throne of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the
    cutting off his nose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the loss
    of a few ounces of my countenance proved the salvation of my body.
    Aroused by the pain, and burning with indignation, I burst, at a
    single effort, the fastenings and the bandage. Stalking across the
    room I cast a glance of contempt at the belligerents, and throwing
    open the sash to their extreme horror and disappointment,
    precipitated myself, very dexterously, from the window. this moment
    passing from the city jail to the scaffold erected for his execution
    in the suburbs. His extreme infirmity and long continued ill health
    had obtained him the privilege of remaining unmanacled; and habited
    in his gallows costume -- one very similar to my own, -- he lay at
    full length in the bottom of the hangman's cart (which happened to be
    under the windows of the surgeon at the moment of my precipitation)
    without any other guard than the driver, who was asleep, and two
    recruits of the sixth infantry, who were drunk.

    As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet within the vehicle.
    immediately, he bolted out behind, and turning down an alley, was out
    of sight in the twinkling of an eye. The recruits, aroused by the
    bustle, could not exactly comprehend the merits of the transaction.
    Seeing, however, a man, the precise counterpart of the felon,
    standing upright in the cart before their eyes, they were of (so they
    expressed themselves,) and, having communicated this opinion to one
    another, they took each a dram, and then knocked me down with the
    butt-ends of their muskets.

    It was not long ere we arrived at the place of destination. Of course
    nothing could be said in my defence. Hanging was my inevitable fate.
    I resigned myself thereto with a feeling half stupid, half
    acrimonious. Being little of a cynic, I had all the sentiments of a
    dog. The hangman, however, adjusted the noose about my neck. The drop
    fell.

    I forbear to depict my sensations upon the gallows; although here,
    undoubtedly, I could speak to the point, and it is a topic upon which
    nothing has been well said. In fact, to write upon such a theme it is
    necessary to have been hanged. Every author should confine himself to
    matters of experience. Thus Mark Antony composed a treatise upon
    getting drunk.

    I may just mention, however, that die I did not. My body was, but I
    had no breath to be, suspended; and but for the knot under my left
    ear (which had the feel of a military stock) I dare say that I should
    have experienced very little inconvenience. As for the jerk given to
    my neck upon the falling of the drop, it merely proved a corrective
    to the twist afforded me by the fat gentleman in the coach.

    For good reasons, however, I did my best to give the crowd the worth
    of their trouble. My convulsions were said to be extraordinary. My
    spasms it would have been difficult to beat. The populace encored.
    Several gentlemen swooned; and a multitude of ladies were carried
    home in hysterics. Pinxit availed himself of the opportunity to
    retouch, from a sketch taken upon the spot, his admirable painting of
    the "Marsyas flayed alive."

    When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was thought proper to
    remove my body from the gallows; -- this the more especially as the
    real culprit had in the meantime been retaken and recognized, a fact
    which I was so unlucky as not to know.

    Much sympathy was, of course, exercised in my behalf, and as no one
    made claim to my corpse, it was ordered that I should be interred in
    a public vault.

    Here, after due interval, I was deposited. The sexton departed, and I
    was left alone. A line of Marston's "Malcontent"-

    Death's a good fellow and keeps open house -- struck me at that
    moment as a palpable lie.

    I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin, and stepped out. The
    place was dreadfully dreary and damp, and I became troubled with
    ennui. By way of amusement, I felt my way among the numerous coffins
    ranged in order around. I lifted them down, one by one, and breaking
    open their lids, busied myself in speculations about the mortality
    within.

    "This," I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass, puffy, bloated, and
    rotund -- "this has been, no doubt, in every sense of the word, an
    unhappy -- an unfortunate man. It has been his terrible lot not to
    walk but to waddle -- to pass through life not like a human being,
    but like an elephant -- not like a man, but like a rhinoceros.

    "His attempts at getting on have been mere abortions, and his
    circumgyratory proceedings a palpable failure. Taking a step forward,
    it has been his misfortune to take two toward the right, and three
    toward the left. His studies have been confined to the poetry of
    Crabbe. He can have no idea of the wonder of a pirouette. To him a
    pas de papillon has been an abstract conception. He has never
    ascended the summit of a hill. He has never viewed from any steeple
    the glories of a metropolis. Heat has been his mortal enemy. In the
    dog-days his days have been the days of a dog. Therein, he has
    dreamed of flames and suffocation -- of mountains upon mountains --
    of Pelion upon Ossa. He was short of breath -- to say all in a word,
    he was short of breath. He thought it extravagant to play upon wind
    instruments. He was the inventor of self-moving fans, wind-sails, and
    ventilators. He patronized Du Pont the bellows-maker, and he died
    miserably in attempting to smoke a cigar. His was a case in which I
    feel a deep interest -- a lot in which I sincerely sympathize.

    "But here," -- said I -- "here" -- and I dragged spitefully from its
    receptacle a gaunt, tall and peculiar-looking form, whose remarkable
    appearance struck me with a sense of unwelcome familiarity -- "here
    is a wretch entitled to no earthly commiseration." Thus saying, in
    order to obtain a more distinct view of my subject, I applied my
    thumb and forefinger to its nose, and causing it to assume a sitting
    position upon the ground, held it thus, at the length of my arm,
    while I continued my soliloquy.

    -"Entitled," I repeated, "to no earthly commiseration. Who indeed
    would think of compassioning a shadow? Besides, has he not had his
    full share of the blessings of mortality? He was the originator of
    tall monuments -- shot-towers -- lightning-rods -- Lombardy poplars.
    His treatise upon "Shades and Shadows" has immortalized him. He
    edited with distinguished ability the last edition of "South on the
    Bones." He went early to college and studied pneumatics. He then came
    home, talked eternally, and played upon the French-horn. He
    patronized the bagpipes. Captain Barclay, who walked against Time,
    would not walk against him. Windham and Allbreath were his favorite
    writers, -- his favorite artist, Phiz. He died gloriously while
    inhaling gas -- levique flatu corrupitur, like the fama pudicitae in
    Hieronymus. {*1} He was indubitably a"--

    "How can you? -- how -- can -- you?" -- interrupted the object of my
    animadversions, gasping for breath, and tearing off, with a desperate
    exertion, the bandage around its jaws -- "how can you, Mr.
    Lackobreath, be so infernally cruel as to pinch me in that manner by
    the nose? Did you not see how they had fastened up my mouth -- and
    you must know -- if you know any thing -- how vast a superfluity of
    breath I have to dispose of! If you do not know, however, sit down
    and you shall see. In my situation it is really a great relief to be
    able to open ones mouth -- to be able to expatiate -- to be able to
    communicate with a person like yourself, who do not think yourself
    called upon at every period to interrupt the thread of a gentleman's
    discourse. Interruptions are annoying and should undoubtedly be
    abolished -- don't you think so? -- no reply, I beg you, -- one
    person is enough to be speaking at a time. -- I shall be done by and
    by, and then you may begin. -- How the devil sir, did you get into
    this place? -- not a word I beseech you -- been here some time myself
    -- terrible accident! -- heard of it, I suppose? -- awful calamity!
    -- walking under your windows -- some short while ago -- about the
    time you were stage-struck -- horrible occurrence! -- heard of
    "catching one's breath," eh? -- hold your tongue I tell you! -- I
    caught somebody elses! -- had always too much of my own -- met Blab
    at the corner of the street -- wouldn't give me a chance for a word
    -- couldn't get in a syllable edgeways -- attacked, consequently,
    with epilepsis -- Blab made his escape -- damn all fools! -- they
    took me up for dead, and put me in this place -- pretty doings all of
    them! -- heard all you said about me -- every word a lie -- horrible!
    -- wonderful -- outrageous! -- hideous! -- incomprehensible! -- et
    cetera -- et cetera -- et cetera -- et cetera-"

    It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so unexpected a
    discourse, or the joy with which I became gradually convinced that
    the breath so fortunately caught by the gentleman (whom I soon
    recognized as my neighbor Windenough) was, in fact, the identical
    expiration mislaid by myself in the conversation with my wife. Time,
    place, and circumstances rendered it a matter beyond question. I did
    not at least during the long period in which the inventor of Lombardy
    poplars continued to favor me with his explanations.

    In this respect I was actuated by that habitual prudence which has
    ever been my predominating trait. I reflected that many difficulties
    might still lie in the path of my preservation which only extreme
    exertion on my part would be able to surmount. Many persons, I
    considered, are prone to estimate commodities in their possession --
    however valueless to the then proprietor -- however troublesome, or
    distressing -- in direct ratio with the advantages to be derived by
    others from their attainment, or by themselves from their
    abandonment. Might not this be the case with Mr. Windenough? In
    displaying anxiety for the breath of which he was at present so
    willing to get rid, might I not lay myself open to the exactions of
    his avarice? There are scoundrels in this world, I remembered with a
    sigh, who will not scruple to take unfair opportunities with even a
    next door neighbor, and (this remark is from Epictetus) it is
    precisely at that time when men are most anxious to throw off the
    burden of their own calamities that they feel the least desirous of
    relieving them in others.

    Upon considerations similar to these, and still retaining my grasp
    upon the nose of Mr. W., I accordingly thought proper to model my
    reply.

    "Monster!" I began in a tone of the deepest indignation -- "monster
    and double-winded idiot! -- dost thou, whom for thine iniquities it
    has pleased heaven to accurse with a two-fold respimtion -- dost
    thou, I say, presume to address me in the familiar language of an old
    acquaintance? -- 'I lie,' forsooth! and 'hold my tongue,' to be sure!
    -- pretty conversation indeed, to a gentleman with a single breath!
    -- all this, too, when I have it in my power to relieve the calamity
    under which thou dost so justly suffer -- to curtail the
    superfluities of thine unhappy respiration."

    Like Brutus, I paused for a reply -- with which, like a tornado, Mr.
    Windenough immediately overwhelmed me. Protestation followed upon
    protestation, and apology upon apology. There were no terms with
    which he was unwilling to comply, and there were none of which I
    failed to take the fullest advantage.

    Preliminaries being at length arranged, my acquaintance delivered me
    the respiration; for which (having carefully examined it) I gave him
    afterward a receipt.

    I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame for speaking in a
    manner so cursory, of a transaction so impalpable. It will be thought
    that I should have entered more minutely, into the details of an
    occurrence by which -- and this is very true -- much new light might
    be thrown upon a highly interesting branch of physical philosophy.

    To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint is the only answer
    which I am permitted to make. There were circumstances -- but I think
    it much safer upon consideration to say as little as possible about
    an affair so delicate -- so delicate, I repeat, and at the time
    involving the interests of a third party whose sulphurous resentment
    I have not the least desire, at this moment, of incurring.

    We were not long after this necessary arrangement in effecting an
    escape from the dungeons of the sepulchre. The united strength of our
    resuscitated voices was soon sufficiently apparent. Scissors, the
    Whig editor, republished a treatise upon "the nature and origin of
    subterranean noises." A reply -- rejoinder -- confutation -- and
    justification -- followed in the columns of a Democratic Gazette. It
    was not until the opening of the vault to decide the controversy,
    that the appearance of Mr. Windenough and myself proved both parties
    to have been decidedly in the wrong.

    I cannot conclude these details of some very singular passages in a
    life at all times sufficiently eventful, without again recalling to
    the attention of the reader the merits of that indiscriminate
    philosophy which is a sure and ready shield against those shafts of
    calamity which can neither be seen, felt nor fully understood. It was
    in the spirit of this wisdom that, among the ancient Hebrews, it was
    believed the gates of Heaven would be inevitably opened to that
    sinner, or saint, who, with good lungs and implicit confidence,
    should vociferate the word "Amen!" It was in the spirit of this
    wisdom that, when a great plague raged at Athens, and every means had
    been in vain attempted for its removal, Epimenides, as Laertius
    relates, in his second book, of that philosopher, advised the
    erection of a shrine and temple "to the proper God."
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